I’m wired wrong for most social interactions. It’s a serious problem, and my attempts to overcome it generally make it much worse. But “accepting myself” means accepting unemployment, and then how can I pay rent? (Currently unemployed and living with family).
However, I don’t think people’s social behavior is all BS. I try not to be resentful. I know there’s lots of BS, but I also know that’s what becomes most obvious to me, so it’s partly a matter of perception.
Sure. There are layers to it. If I socially interact for a few hours then I’ll become exhausted, probably cranky. A psychiatrist said I have ADHD, and the sensory input of multiple persons being around is too much. Social environments tend to be overwhelming. A psychologist said I have avoidant personality disorder, but I’m not sure I agree since my problem isn’t based on fear, the fear is downstream to basic social inabilities. But the fear does cause its own problems.
I also have a social phobia. I don’t think it’s genetic, since I didn’t have it as a kid. But my teenage years (11-18) were severely isolated, and full of humiliation and severe loneliness. I just never recovered from that. I spent my 20s trying to learn, forcing myself into all these social environments, but it was mostly just a torturous cycle of collapse.
I over-rely on my sense of humor, and this often causes problems. Most of the time it works really well (people like to laugh, and they appreciate a good joke), so I can make a very good first impression. But when it comes to “actual” social interaction, I simply have no idea what to say, like ever. I can negotiate well on other people’s behalf, and I’m good at explaining things, but in open-ended social situations I tend to be weirdly quiet or else I say horribly wrong things without realizing it. I’ve experienced multiple instances of people doing prolonged campaigns of social warfare against me because I accidentally insulted them, and they recognize my vulnerabilities. I’m terrible at reading non-verbal communication (this isn’t just a product of social anxiety or phobia… my brain just doesn’t pick up on these things, doesn’t know what to do with them). So basically I’m not a social creature. Some people actually have thought that I was mentally handicapped (or experiencing cognitive decline, or that I’m “on drugs”) because I just don’t respond like an intelligent person. But then I’ll go to “therapy” (what a disgusting joke) and they’ll see how well I can explain myself, and they’ll declare me to be fine. Clearly no problems with “communication” (but socializing isn’t just explaining things to a person).
The power-hungry ones that start campaigns of social warfare, yes. But they’re also very socially powerful and are able to dictate social outcomes and perceptions. Often they’re jealous that people like me, or that I’m performing very well at a job, and they see my social ineptness as an opportunity and a fun way to publicly demonstrate their superiority in some other arena. To them socializing is warfare. And it’s not enough to just call them assholes, because I’ve lost many friends, and it has severely limited my job prospects. I need a response that benefits me more. But I also can’t just keep throwing myself into that thresher. I’m still trying to think of the right approach. Because I’m ambitious and intelligent enough to want more than unemployment and isolation.
The important thing is to not give up, and it’s important to bear in mind that at least in my experience other than being social manipulators they’re quite uninspiring in many respects. That is also why they don’t like people who don’t fit - they are, by nature, disruptive to that state of affairs.
I think if you keep working the problem you will come to a good conclusion.
I need more than to just keep working the problem. I’m middle aged and living with family again, I’ve always been poor even though I excel at all my jobs and I have a degree. And there’s no such thing as a “conclusion,” except death, so what I’m working at is stable ongoing engagement in an arena where I can maintain that engagement. Still trying to think what that can look like. Thanks for the encouragement.
I’m wired wrong for most social interactions. It’s a serious problem, and my attempts to overcome it generally make it much worse. But “accepting myself” means accepting unemployment, and then how can I pay rent? (Currently unemployed and living with family).
However, I don’t think people’s social behavior is all BS. I try not to be resentful. I know there’s lots of BS, but I also know that’s what becomes most obvious to me, so it’s partly a matter of perception.
Mind elaborating on how you’re wired wrong? Genuinely curious to see which, if any, traits we share.
Sure. There are layers to it. If I socially interact for a few hours then I’ll become exhausted, probably cranky. A psychiatrist said I have ADHD, and the sensory input of multiple persons being around is too much. Social environments tend to be overwhelming. A psychologist said I have avoidant personality disorder, but I’m not sure I agree since my problem isn’t based on fear, the fear is downstream to basic social inabilities. But the fear does cause its own problems.
I also have a social phobia. I don’t think it’s genetic, since I didn’t have it as a kid. But my teenage years (11-18) were severely isolated, and full of humiliation and severe loneliness. I just never recovered from that. I spent my 20s trying to learn, forcing myself into all these social environments, but it was mostly just a torturous cycle of collapse.
I over-rely on my sense of humor, and this often causes problems. Most of the time it works really well (people like to laugh, and they appreciate a good joke), so I can make a very good first impression. But when it comes to “actual” social interaction, I simply have no idea what to say, like ever. I can negotiate well on other people’s behalf, and I’m good at explaining things, but in open-ended social situations I tend to be weirdly quiet or else I say horribly wrong things without realizing it. I’ve experienced multiple instances of people doing prolonged campaigns of social warfare against me because I accidentally insulted them, and they recognize my vulnerabilities. I’m terrible at reading non-verbal communication (this isn’t just a product of social anxiety or phobia… my brain just doesn’t pick up on these things, doesn’t know what to do with them). So basically I’m not a social creature. Some people actually have thought that I was mentally handicapped (or experiencing cognitive decline, or that I’m “on drugs”) because I just don’t respond like an intelligent person. But then I’ll go to “therapy” (what a disgusting joke) and they’ll see how well I can explain myself, and they’ll declare me to be fine. Clearly no problems with “communication” (but socializing isn’t just explaining things to a person).
I could go on and on, but that paints a picture.
You probably did not say horribly wrong things, those people are likely just assholes.
The power-hungry ones that start campaigns of social warfare, yes. But they’re also very socially powerful and are able to dictate social outcomes and perceptions. Often they’re jealous that people like me, or that I’m performing very well at a job, and they see my social ineptness as an opportunity and a fun way to publicly demonstrate their superiority in some other arena. To them socializing is warfare. And it’s not enough to just call them assholes, because I’ve lost many friends, and it has severely limited my job prospects. I need a response that benefits me more. But I also can’t just keep throwing myself into that thresher. I’m still trying to think of the right approach. Because I’m ambitious and intelligent enough to want more than unemployment and isolation.
The important thing is to not give up, and it’s important to bear in mind that at least in my experience other than being social manipulators they’re quite uninspiring in many respects. That is also why they don’t like people who don’t fit - they are, by nature, disruptive to that state of affairs.
I think if you keep working the problem you will come to a good conclusion.
I need more than to just keep working the problem. I’m middle aged and living with family again, I’ve always been poor even though I excel at all my jobs and I have a degree. And there’s no such thing as a “conclusion,” except death, so what I’m working at is stable ongoing engagement in an arena where I can maintain that engagement. Still trying to think what that can look like. Thanks for the encouragement.