See how many people here share your troubles? There’s no shortage of people like you. The thing is, like you say, you have to stop putting up with people’s bullshit. When you notice bullshit, confront them with it, and if there’s no way of reconciliation, move on immediately, don’t try to “put up” with anything. From what you said it seems like you hold on to toxic people too long.
Also, have you ever thought about that you might also have “BS” that other people would have to deal with when they want to create a deep connection with you? Do sou think that’s absolutely impossible?
I’ve already accepted my closest friends are still going to have a lot of distance, that’s apparently just the level I can get to comfortably.
My wife on the other hand constantly seeks out friendships regardless of how ridiculously toxic they are (I shouldn’t detail but seriously extreme toxicity), she thinks if she doesn’t put up with it, then she won’t have any friends.
I know I’m not the only one with this issue and it could probably become more common with the direction society has chosen to head in. Ya unfortunately I was born to some less than ideal parents so I was forced into a caregiver role as a child. That made me into someone who would, to a fault, always believe people can change for the better if I give them the chance. Which of course is not true for a lot of people and a painful lesson to learn.
Nah, actually I’m perfect and everyone around me is just stupid. Kidding of course. I know I have my quirks and I’ve also learned to cater to other’s preferences as a child. Not so much anymore, someone mentioned in here something about not setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. I wish someone told me that was an option decades ago.
What I mean with “you’re not the only one” is that you’ll be (probably easily) able to find people that are good for you. Didn’t mean to put light on the fact it’s a societal issue; might be, might not be, but it’s irrelevant. Just meant to say that enough good people are out there.
If you’re like what you say you are, “staying with people in the hopes they might change for the better”, what I’ve noticed in my time on Earth is that “people like you” actually do find these problematic people specifically and spend their time with them. You want to improve the world and that means the people within them, and so you think your time is well spent like this.
However, this is unfortunately almost totally wrong. Instead of achieving your goal, the problematic people just mostly stay like they are, and because of that all that happens is that you become miserable because you don’t see any improvement, and don’t have any meaningful relationships.
If I may suggest an alternative, what I’ve found is that you actually have to find people that are already mostly good and have a proven track record of improving themselves. These are mostly good people. They have no big problems and no toxic behaviors. I assume you are such a person. So in other words, you have to find someone like you. If you do that, you can both improve together and help each other, instead of this one-sided thing you probably mostly had going on.
And yeah, like you said, “not setting yourself on fire to keep others warm”, this means you have to stop spending time with the people that just drain you, even though it may sometimes be painful.
Anyway, hope you have a wonderful time, because this is actually all really fun once you prioritize your own happiness while dealing with others :D
Ya I understood what you meant and it would be insane of me to legitimately think I’m the only one in this situation.
I’ve worked through a lot of cptsd to reprogram myself to take my own emotions into consideration. Parents have a huge effect on their kids. I was subconciously drawn towards people who reminded me of what was familiar, my parents, which most people couldn’t be paid enough to deal with long term. I was constantly told by them and their “friends” that my job is to take care of them, that is why I was brought into this world. When your brain is still malleable, you tend to believe things as they are presented.
Yes I do try to only seek out people who I aspire to be like now but it’s not always easy to figure out who someone truly is. Constant struggle between being forgiving and recognizing red flags for what they are.
I changed careers and cut off nearly everyone I was “friends” with prior to understanding what kind of people I was attracting with my personality. I do things that I want and enjoy now, I just don’t know how to recharge my social battery back to where it was. If it’s even possible.
See how many people here share your troubles? There’s no shortage of people like you. The thing is, like you say, you have to stop putting up with people’s bullshit. When you notice bullshit, confront them with it, and if there’s no way of reconciliation, move on immediately, don’t try to “put up” with anything. From what you said it seems like you hold on to toxic people too long.
Also, have you ever thought about that you might also have “BS” that other people would have to deal with when they want to create a deep connection with you? Do sou think that’s absolutely impossible?
I’ve already accepted my closest friends are still going to have a lot of distance, that’s apparently just the level I can get to comfortably.
My wife on the other hand constantly seeks out friendships regardless of how ridiculously toxic they are (I shouldn’t detail but seriously extreme toxicity), she thinks if she doesn’t put up with it, then she won’t have any friends.
I know I’m not the only one with this issue and it could probably become more common with the direction society has chosen to head in. Ya unfortunately I was born to some less than ideal parents so I was forced into a caregiver role as a child. That made me into someone who would, to a fault, always believe people can change for the better if I give them the chance. Which of course is not true for a lot of people and a painful lesson to learn.
Nah, actually I’m perfect and everyone around me is just stupid. Kidding of course. I know I have my quirks and I’ve also learned to cater to other’s preferences as a child. Not so much anymore, someone mentioned in here something about not setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. I wish someone told me that was an option decades ago.
What I mean with “you’re not the only one” is that you’ll be (probably easily) able to find people that are good for you. Didn’t mean to put light on the fact it’s a societal issue; might be, might not be, but it’s irrelevant. Just meant to say that enough good people are out there.
If you’re like what you say you are, “staying with people in the hopes they might change for the better”, what I’ve noticed in my time on Earth is that “people like you” actually do find these problematic people specifically and spend their time with them. You want to improve the world and that means the people within them, and so you think your time is well spent like this.
However, this is unfortunately almost totally wrong. Instead of achieving your goal, the problematic people just mostly stay like they are, and because of that all that happens is that you become miserable because you don’t see any improvement, and don’t have any meaningful relationships.
If I may suggest an alternative, what I’ve found is that you actually have to find people that are already mostly good and have a proven track record of improving themselves. These are mostly good people. They have no big problems and no toxic behaviors. I assume you are such a person. So in other words, you have to find someone like you. If you do that, you can both improve together and help each other, instead of this one-sided thing you probably mostly had going on.
And yeah, like you said, “not setting yourself on fire to keep others warm”, this means you have to stop spending time with the people that just drain you, even though it may sometimes be painful.
Anyway, hope you have a wonderful time, because this is actually all really fun once you prioritize your own happiness while dealing with others :D
Ya I understood what you meant and it would be insane of me to legitimately think I’m the only one in this situation.
I’ve worked through a lot of cptsd to reprogram myself to take my own emotions into consideration. Parents have a huge effect on their kids. I was subconciously drawn towards people who reminded me of what was familiar, my parents, which most people couldn’t be paid enough to deal with long term. I was constantly told by them and their “friends” that my job is to take care of them, that is why I was brought into this world. When your brain is still malleable, you tend to believe things as they are presented.
Yes I do try to only seek out people who I aspire to be like now but it’s not always easy to figure out who someone truly is. Constant struggle between being forgiving and recognizing red flags for what they are.
I changed careers and cut off nearly everyone I was “friends” with prior to understanding what kind of people I was attracting with my personality. I do things that I want and enjoy now, I just don’t know how to recharge my social battery back to where it was. If it’s even possible.