I vaguely remember the front entrance gate to the kindergarden (or maybe it was a daycare, don’t exactly remember) in Guangzhou, China…

I remember we had like a nap at noon.

Hmm honestly its so weird that I know I was probably there, but can’t remember much of what happened there, maybe it was so boring that i wasn’t memorable.

I do remember 1st and 2nd grade more vividly.

Don’t remember the “first day” type of thing, but more like the general “vibe”. I remember roughly what the building looked like. Like I can draw a basic map / layout of it… like with maybe 70% accuracy.

School there always felt kinda “weird” since they speak a different language than my parents speak (Cantonese at home, Mandarin in school), like as soon as I hear Mandarin, the “vibe”/“atmosphere” feels different… it feels more like “it’s a strange place” and its “serious” time.

I remember the chalkboard.

I remember the teacher throwing a piece of chalk at a classmate that’s not paying attention or sleeping or got the answer wrong something

I remember some “misbehaving” students get slapped with a 1 meter ruler

I remember the big red flag with the 5 yellow stars in the school yard (Flag of People’s Republic of China)

I remember they do weird announcements in the school yard… and it was boring as hell

I remember like either monthly or weekly, they did a flag-raising ceremony and some kids bring the flag thing to the pole and did this weird ceremony of raising the flag and the national anthem is played… (US is kinda similar, lol) and then like we’d all be in the yard and they did weird announcements. I remember sometimes its about the tuition thing or sometimes vaccines or blood tests or stuff(?) I forgot…

I remember being on a bus for a school trip but forgot where we went, but I remember looking outside the window and feeling bored (cuz no smartphones lol, they didn’t even exist I don’t think) for the long drive.

I don’t remember having friends… maybe sometimes randomly talking to someone… but because its Mandarin, it lacks the “warmth” of Cantonese which I speak at home every day.

I remember sometimes having to use the bathroom in the middle of class and I always felt so nervous to ask… as if it’s rulebreaking or something, feels so guilty like: are you trying to get out of class?

I remember I was using the bathroom at the end of recess and use the bathroom, which was dirty as hell btw, this school is literally near a mountain… I think the plumbing just goes into the rivers in the mountain…

So I came back to the next class and I was sort of late and the teacher side-eyed me.

Felt like I did something wrong…

So then…

Sometime in like 2nd grade, mom told me we were immigrating to 美国 (America) and I shouldn’t tell anyone so nobody gets “jealous” and wanna kidnap/murder me. (Mom is always paranoid about kidnappings lol)

I remember when I came to the US. It felt so… like there’s this weird “western” feeling atmosphere… hard to describe…

So my mom took me to the neighborhood school… the teacher tried to do a basic “test” to see how smart I am and they think I’m ready for 3rd grade, since my mom convinced them to hold me back a grade so I can “learn English better”, I started in 2nd grade instead.

Omg this is where I actually remembered my first day. So I get introduced to the teacher, she somehow studied in Beijing for 2 years(?) and knows a little bit of Mandarin… but still told Cantonese classmates to translate for me instead.

I remember feeling so anxious.

So foreign.

Literally in a foreign country.

This is NYC btw.

I had no idea what was going on. Class starts, teacher talks, no clue what is being said.

There’s a weird board that has lights on it (it’s a SmartBoard, never saw those in China before)

Like imagine you watched an anime for the first time without subtitles.

That’s me.

I remember feeling so relieved at dismissal time when I saw my mom.

Also I think the bathroom thing is so annoying…

Asking to use the bathroom is always awkward as hell when I didn’t have the word “bathroom” in my brain yet.

I remember in 3rd grade, some bitch teacher in science class didn’t let me use the bathroom because she was teaching so I peed myself… yea…

School was kinda traumatic for me…

Literally the though of asking to use the bathroom sends shivers in my spine… it’s so terrifying to ask since I always half-expect a “NO”.

So yea… that’s my story…

School always felt so weird.

It’s exciting and simultaneously frightening.

NYC school had more of the excitement factor since there are a few Cantonese classmates that I just love to talk to, its the best part about being in school.

But also, I really wanna go home once I arrive at school. Always anticipating dismissal time.

Then my mom SIGNED ME UP FOR AFTERSCHOOL WITHOUT TELLING ME so I cried that first day of having afterschool in 2nd grade since I have no clue wtf is happening, I didn’t even speak English.

I cried for an hour.

Then mom picked me up and was like “oopsie, sorry that I forgot to tell you”

Then those afterschool hours just extended from 3-4 to 3-6.

So dismissal is now at 6PM just so my mom can work longer hours.

So she treats this as free daycare.

I remeber feeling so alone there.

Kids get to go home at 2:45PM (? I think) and I have to say until 6PM sometimes 6:30PM when the sun is already going down.

Okay I think that’s all I remember of early school years.