Doesn’t have to be about over traumatic-related things, but just in general, things you don’t like talking about. Whether it’ll bum you down, distract you or vice versa.
I don’t like talking about work, my job and how the week went. All it’ll do and has done, is make me dread of upcoming work weeks even during my time off. I hate being asked the typical question “how was your day at work?” any other time. Because the answer is just going to be unsatisfying and I get annoyed even having to answer that question. It’s not that I’m hiding anything, it’s just that it’s fucking work and it is the same damn thing every night. I put up with stupid fucking people, even dumber co-workers and I work in a system that is massively ungrateful for what you do for it.
That’s all you’ll ever need to know about it, so stop trying to get me to talk about that shit.
I’ll offer a defense of gossip. I think it’s important to be able to discuss people, especially people with authority, without those people being able to dictate the rules of the conversation. If certain topics are taboo unless the conversations are had with all parties, it gives people with power a lot of influence over how the conversation happens and if it happens at all. Gossip is how unions are started, how abusive preachers are ousted (sometimes), how people learn about and get the help they need, help that the authorities in their lives have decided, for whatever reason, they can’t have.
I also think it’s a venue for misinformation and I have my own beliefs about which conversations are better had if they include everybody (or me), but I don’t think it’s for me or anyone to just declare certain conversations or topics off limits.
I personally think the issue comes up when people say things behind each other’s backs that they wouldn’t dare say to their face. In my previous workplace there were a few people who always talked shit about our boss when he wasn’t around, but the second he showed up they’d act like everything was fine and they were best buddies.
The problem isn’t that the criticism was never valid - it’s that they showed me I can’t trust them to be genuine around me. They thought they’re damaging the reputation of my boss but it’s their own reputation that took the biggest hit.
In my experience, people who live with people who use information for abuse learn to protect information as a first course of action, because it’s hard to predict what information might be dangerous to share. In extreme cases, the only safe opinion to express is that of whoever’s in charge. It can be hard to tell what information can be safely expressed, which I think can make people quick to flatter or agree if they don’t feel safe. It may be that you feel safe to express thoughts about the boss to their face, but they didn’t. It’s a cultural divide I’ve seen both sides of. I’ve worked with people who clearly did not feel comfortable criticizing me even after I encouraged honesty, because they had had bosses before who had said the same thing and abused the privilege of trust. I have also worked with people I did not trust with certain information and I withheld it, even after discussing the matter with peers. I think the things said in confidence can sometimes be harmful and deserve to be rebutted the same as when they’re said in public, but the existence of those things doesn’t make confidential conversation per se bad.