I always have had this dichotomy. First off, I have moderate ADHD (don’t we all on Lemmy, ha!) And am a maximalist, meaning I like stuff. Having stuff that does something (video games, PCs, TVs, cars, motorcycles, audio gear etc) or enables me to do things (tools, climbing gear, cheese press, etc). I’m maybe a mild hoarder, but to be fair if I have something collecting dust I give it away or sell it to someone who can enjoy it. I don’t keep garbage (don’t all hoarders say this? Oh boy…)
If its not obvious, I do a ton of shit. I often look at it as, “well, life is finite so I’m going to do all I possibly can before I’m not able to/the world ends”.
The issue is twofold. One is, guilt. “Do I really need this stuff? Do I need another video game? Do I need to plan for another shed for garden items or is what i have just fine?”
Secondly, it makes it hard to relax. Sure, I can chill and sit and read and listen to music sometimes, but I’m always thinking, life is draining away, everything is getting worse and more expensive, I really should be finishing projects and getting stuff done before something bad happens"
Then you see all those psycho linked in folk who are always talking about bettering yourself and getting up at 5 am every day to go for a run. That’s not me. But then i wonder if I’m not living up to my potential.
If this sounds like a first world problem, it is. I’m very spoiled. I work 65 hours a week but its a fine job. A little boring (maybe thats why i feel underutilized, my brain likes to go full speed) but I’m not in the mines or anything. I know MANY others have it far far worse.
When it comes to being a more prosocial, peaceful, emotionally stable person, I’ve made much progress (thank God!). I just don’t like feeling like a villain, knowing (because, for better or for worse, I see these things somewhat clearly) I was the cunt in the situation and that I could and should have “taken the higher road”. I was talking about it with my wife earlier today and I think it’s partly a function of my pride: being an overall negative influence in the world is simply for lesser men, and I am not/won’t let myself be one of those.
For everything else, I’m a complete mess. Yeah, I have worked well and steadily, never been fired or even reprimanded, and have gotten decent results in academia despite the fact I worked full time whilst studying… but besides that idk, I don’t keep much track of things I could improve (but I should). Thankfully, I’m married, so I’m constantly lovingly coerced into betterment, lol.