my parents live alone 800 miles away from me and are capable of living independently.
There might be a day they’re not safe at home anymore and need to be taken care of.
I’m not a caregiver and while my father is flexible and can adapt, my mother is very strict with what she considers right and it’s usually her way or the highway, reason why I would never live with her, let her live with me or take care of her alone. It would never work. My parents have a decent pension, no debt, and mostly love each other.
If it ever comes to me taking care of the administrative side of things 800 miles away, what does it look like? If you are in a situation like I described, how often do you visit?
Do you take care of them physically as well? I mean giving them showers, cleaning them, cleaning the house, feeding them, organizing their medicines, dressing them, answering 30 times per day the same question or old story because they forgot, because realistically I can do this up to 2 weeks per year, never on a permanent basis. I’m not a patient man.
I also want to live my life but where I grew up, small town in GA, the expectation seems to be I move in with my parents to physically take care of them, otherwise I’m not a good son.
ETA: thank you all for contributing
Oh man, okay so I feel this so hard. I have felt that guilt put on my shoulders and I’ve seen friends and family have that guilt put on theirs. You will need to choose your own path but I’ll say that you will be the only one who cares about your life path.
My friend moved to a place ~500 miles away from home and loved it, was happy to be there. His mother refused to visit. Old world “A mother shouldn’t visit her son, her son should respect her and come visit”. So he did. Then she guilted him into moving back home, giving up opportunities farther away. He is happy in the sense that he’s married and has kids and a fulfilling life, but he will always have the what if questions. What if his now wife and him had stayed, what if they had done this or that. I promise you, if you let them drive your life you will never be truly fulfilled.
Which is what drives my question. If they need assistance in the future, why couldn’t they move to where you are? Because every reason they could give could be equally flipped to you. “We have friends here”. “We have a house here”. “We like it here”. All of those you could say about where you are too. So if you are happy where you are and they need care why couldn’t they come to you?
The funny thing about people who think about things like “good son” or “good <familymember>” is that you will never do enough to appease them. Ever. You will need to grapple with this. You can move home. You can give them spongebaths. You can tuck them in at night and help them go to the bathroom. You will never be a “good son” if you aren’t now - because you are a good son. Just by thinking about this you are a good son. Their expectations of what a “good son” however non-commital and will always change, proven just with the guilt. The sooner you accept that their expectations of a “good son” will never be met, the sooner you can think more practically about how you want to proceed with life.
I had to go to therapy to realize how much guilt there was in my family, and learn some techniques on how to combat it. The most effective one is simply to call it out. They pull that “Well you’re just so far away” or “I wish you lived closer” you just gotta call that out, right there, on the spot. That shit breeds with repression, just letting it get away. “You’re just so far away” -> “You’re always welcome to visit”. “I wish you lived closer” -> “I wish you lived closer to me too!”. Put it right back out there. I’ve just also done the “Mom I’m not doing the guilt trip today. Your feelings are your own, I’m happy where I live and if you have a problem with it that’s your problem to work on, not mine”.
So, I’m sorry for the wall of text, but that last line needs to be called out. You are a good son. There are no expectations that you must give up your life to take care of them. If they didn’t plan ahead for life and expected you to come home, that’s their problem, not yours. Of course help where you feel comfortable, but it should be because you want to and it fits in your life, not because they expect it.
thank you for your wall of text, I enjoyed reading it.
Don’t we all have those what if questions? Maybe I ask because I’m myself unfulfilled with some parts of my life.
I’m not sure moving them or the surviving parent closer to me would benefit them: they’ve living in GA most of their lives, are used to the way people act and speak, climate is warm, and I live in NY, where people move faster, speak differently and it’s going to be cold… It would be easier for me but I don’t think they would enjoy upstate NY much.
This is very good advice.
Stealing this.
Thank you for your post.
Of course, as someone who grew up in a family of strong guilt trippers, I empathize and know the path you’re probably on. It will take a fair amount of personal growth, but you’ll get there. That’s why I know there is no end state for who a good son is, because I tried for 25 years to be a “good son”, and surprise no matter what I did it always seemed like there was something more. To give an idea, I paid off my mother’s debts, I paid off her car, I took her on trips, I set up her retirement, and she still guilts me on that I should be doing more. It was only a couple years ago that I finally realized that the dreamed “You are a good son, I love you, thank you for everything you do for me” is never going to come. That hit very hard, and it makes me sad typing it now even, but it’s never coming.
Absolutely, and that’s why I so strongly call it out. That the reasons why you chose one path over another should be your decision. No one else is going to choose the path that’s best for you, only you can do that. If you let others dictate what you should do then you’ll never truly be on your own true path, and you will regret it later.
I wish you all the luck. I’m always available to vent to, been through this myself.