Oh she didn’t literally say that, its just my internal monologue. Sorry for being confusing, I’m kinda just rambling.
But like I literally am an anomoly, as in the legal sense. Having two sons is not really “normal” in China, at least prior 2015, so like, I’m pretty sure people would find it weird if they knew I was the second son. Give how much “patriotic education” kids get, if I had stayed there any longer, kids would be like: “Wait you have an older brother? So you are an illegal child? Unpatriotic!” (at least this is how I imagined it would go, luckily I didn’t have to find out, since we left the country when I was young)
And its more about the legal identity thing that makes me feel this way. They literally just straight up refuse to issue IDs or allow me to be registered in the Hukou, for a “crime” (a purely political crime btw) that my parents did, like wtf did I do? I didn’t even ask to be born, they’re just gonna try to punish me for… existing without their approval. So my mother is like: “If we hadn’t paid the fine, you would not have those legal documents, so we can’t prove to the US Immigration officials of your identity, so you’d be left behind” Okay she didn’t literally say it, but its implied when she said something along the lines of (paraphrased) “Remember how I paid a huge fine because I gave birth to you?”
The US is a raging shit heap at the moment, but it’s normal to have multiple sons here. Even if it wasn’t the norm though, or even against the law (which is so bizarre to me), you have every right to exist. You don’t owe anyone anything for being born, and you do not need anyone’s approval to exist.
I mean yes I know I shouldn’t be seeking external approval for my existence.
But like its just a weird psychological phenomenon amonst people who were, in some ways, “rejected”, like people whose bio-parents got drunk and had sex, and never intending to reproduce so their birth was merely an accident, or kids born as a result of sexual assult, or children of extramarital affairs, or their bio-parents birth control methods (e.g. condoms) failed etc… I mean like… you know what I mean?
When you are one of these “rejected” people and you learn of your true origins, it feels depressing, and it causes existential crisis.
I don’t know if its possible to just bury this info from my brain, like… its always just gonna be sitting there in the back of your mind, making you question your entire existence.
I know it seems very small problem, but inside my mind, it’s an entire psychological battlefield. I’m pretty sure its a similar psychological phenomeon for people who were born to birth control failure, or people born as result of [SA].
I think I know what you mean. A lot of us were “accidents” lol, probably more than you realize. You aren’t alone. How you came into the world doesn’t matter, it doesn’t define you. All that matters is that you’re here now, and your life is your own to make something of. You matter.
Also, there’s nothing wrong with questioning these things that bother you, and trying to work through them. It’s good to process them and come to terms with them if you can. It’s okay to ask for help if you need it, too. But please be kind to yourself, as well.
That was a terrible thing for your mother to say, never mind even think. You’re not an anomaly, and you don’t deserve to feel that way.
I hope things get better for you.
Oh she didn’t literally say that, its just my internal monologue. Sorry for being confusing, I’m kinda just rambling.
But like I literally am an anomoly, as in the legal sense. Having two sons is not really “normal” in China, at least prior 2015, so like, I’m pretty sure people would find it weird if they knew I was the second son. Give how much “patriotic education” kids get, if I had stayed there any longer, kids would be like: “Wait you have an older brother? So you are an illegal child? Unpatriotic!” (at least this is how I imagined it would go, luckily I didn’t have to find out, since we left the country when I was young)
And its more about the legal identity thing that makes me feel this way. They literally just straight up refuse to issue IDs or allow me to be registered in the Hukou, for a “crime” (a purely political crime btw) that my parents did, like wtf did I do? I didn’t even ask to be born, they’re just gonna try to punish me for… existing without their approval. So my mother is like: “If we hadn’t paid the fine, you would not have those legal documents, so we can’t prove to the US Immigration officials of your identity, so you’d be left behind” Okay she didn’t literally say it, but its implied when she said something along the lines of (paraphrased) “Remember how I paid a huge fine because I gave birth to you?”
The US is a raging shit heap at the moment, but it’s normal to have multiple sons here. Even if it wasn’t the norm though, or even against the law (which is so bizarre to me), you have every right to exist. You don’t owe anyone anything for being born, and you do not need anyone’s approval to exist.
I mean yes I know I shouldn’t be seeking external approval for my existence.
But like its just a weird psychological phenomenon amonst people who were, in some ways, “rejected”, like people whose bio-parents got drunk and had sex, and never intending to reproduce so their birth was merely an accident, or kids born as a result of sexual assult, or children of extramarital affairs, or their bio-parents birth control methods (e.g. condoms) failed etc… I mean like… you know what I mean?
When you are one of these “rejected” people and you learn of your true origins, it feels depressing, and it causes existential crisis.
I don’t know if its possible to just bury this info from my brain, like… its always just gonna be sitting there in the back of your mind, making you question your entire existence.
I know it seems very small problem, but inside my mind, it’s an entire psychological battlefield. I’m pretty sure its a similar psychological phenomeon for people who were born to birth control failure, or people born as result of [SA].
I think I know what you mean. A lot of us were “accidents” lol, probably more than you realize. You aren’t alone. How you came into the world doesn’t matter, it doesn’t define you. All that matters is that you’re here now, and your life is your own to make something of. You matter.
Also, there’s nothing wrong with questioning these things that bother you, and trying to work through them. It’s good to process them and come to terms with them if you can. It’s okay to ask for help if you need it, too. But please be kind to yourself, as well.