I had quite a shitty life when I was younger and I feel like it’s come to define me. Since I had no control over what my actual life looked like, I instead chose to define my identity by what I wanted it to look like, and what I would have done had I had the freedom to choose. So I based my identity on my made up story instead of my actual story.
FFW to today and I finally have a lot more say over what my life actually looks like. I feel like those past wishes are kinda burdening me now. I feel indebted to my past self to finally do those things I wished I could do back then in order to realize that story that I had always identified with. Because if I don’t, there will be nothing in my past for me to identify with me other than that shitty life that I didn’t choose.
But I’ve realized this is a mistake. I’ve realized I don’t ever plan my future without first thinking of my past. This can’t be good. By doing that, I am being held captive by my own history which I didn’t chose. Playing catch-up with the past to fulfill the plans I based my identity on might feel very right, but it would cost a lot of time. I’d never catch up with my peers who are content with their historu and living in the present.
How do I unlearn this? It feels so deeply rooted in the way I see myself that it’s gonna need some psycho shit like shrooms or something to even make my mind aware of what it’s doing
Edit: I do plan on going to counselling but I wanted to see what Lemmy thinks first
You already took the first, most important step. Now you just continue from here.
Feel yourself in the moment. Decide to do anything you want and go do it, even if it is stuff “from past you”. Then make a conscious effort to record/remember the way you feel while doing it.
Do you get the urge to continue doing it? To stop it? Do you like/dislike it? Use those feelings to guide your next decision, and then just repeat.
There is nothing bad about what your past wanted either. If you still want to go for those dreams, you certainly can. Those things may still be what your “current you” wants, even if it is influenced by your past.
Your “current you” consists of the past. Your “current you” is not separate from your past, your “current you” is only what it is now because of your past. With a different past you would have a different “current you”. Because of that, don’t see your past as something that doesn’t/shouldn’t exist, of course, in an optimal world, you wouldn’t have experienced those things, but you did experience them, and they will influence you in some way. The past influencing our present is just how humans work, if you had a nice childhood/whatever, you would also be influenced by those nice memories.
So deliberately trying to not do the things your past wanted doesn’t really make sense. But it also means that you don’t need to go for those past things either, which you’ve just figured out.
There is really no real reason to overcomplicate this. Just think about things you want to do right now, see how they feel right now, and then adjust your behavior accordingly.