I had quite a shitty life when I was younger and I feel like it’s come to define me. Since I had no control over what my actual life looked like, I instead chose to define my identity by what I wanted it to look like, and what I would have done had I had the freedom to choose. So I based my identity on my made up story instead of my actual story.
FFW to today and I finally have a lot more say over what my life actually looks like. I feel like those past wishes are kinda burdening me now. I feel indebted to my past self to finally do those things I wished I could do back then in order to realize that story that I had always identified with. Because if I don’t, there will be nothing in my past for me to identify with me other than that shitty life that I didn’t choose.
But I’ve realized this is a mistake. I’ve realized I don’t ever plan my future without first thinking of my past. This can’t be good. By doing that, I am being held captive by my own history which I didn’t chose. Playing catch-up with the past to fulfill the plans I based my identity on might feel very right, but it would cost a lot of time. I’d never catch up with my peers who are content with their historu and living in the present.
How do I unlearn this? It feels so deeply rooted in the way I see myself that it’s gonna need some psycho shit like shrooms or something to even make my mind aware of what it’s doing
Edit: I do plan on going to counselling but I wanted to see what Lemmy thinks first
How do you want to define yourself? Who do you want to be a decade from now? Do you have goals?
If you can start to define your future self, you can define your present self as trying to target your future self. You can also change your definitions over time; after all you choose them.
The way of the stoic, you cannot change your past. You cannot bury it, that way leads to madness.
What you can, and should do, it’s change how you react to it, through introspection, support from experts, and some folks state that meditation helps
People tend to jump to recommend therapy, but that isn’t affordable, accessible or required for every problem.
Pleased to see your recommendation start with self help. The majority of our issues need thinking, reading, listening, digesting, processing, rethinking, getting perspectives, looking at resources, revaluating our lives.
Some might need professional help or medication, but the idea of self help with resources doesnt get mentioned enough. Philosophy is a great thing to get into to explore new ways to think about issues.
Read The Power of Now
You already took the first, most important step. Now you just continue from here.
Feel yourself in the moment. Decide to do anything you want and go do it, even if it is stuff “from past you”. Then make a conscious effort to record/remember the way you feel while doing it.
Do you get the urge to continue doing it? To stop it? Do you like/dislike it? Use those feelings to guide your next decision, and then just repeat.
There is nothing bad about what your past wanted either. If you still want to go for those dreams, you certainly can. Those things may still be what your “current you” wants, even if it is influenced by your past.
Your “current you” consists of the past. Your “current you” is not separate from your past, your “current you” is only what it is now because of your past. With a different past you would have a different “current you”. Because of that, don’t see your past as something that doesn’t/shouldn’t exist, of course, in an optimal world, you wouldn’t have experienced those things, but you did experience them, and they will influence you in some way. The past influencing our present is just how humans work, if you had a nice childhood/whatever, you would also be influenced by those nice memories.
So deliberately trying to not do the things your past wanted doesn’t really make sense. But it also means that you don’t need to go for those past things either, which you’ve just figured out.
There is really no real reason to overcomplicate this. Just think about things you want to do right now, see how they feel right now, and then adjust your behavior accordingly.
Counseling is the way to go. It’s going to take a lot of time, a lot of opening up, and being honest with your counselor and yourself. Don’t expect to see results immediately. You will get frustrated with the process. But you have to keep going.
Also, don’t be afraid to find a new counselor if your current one isn’t working for you. And only you will know what that means. But when you find the right one, it will make a huge difference for you.
At the same time, you may need to give your therapist multiple chances. What I mean by that is that you will not always see eye to eye with them. And that’s okay; especially if they’re challenging you to move past something big. But if you constantly feel something is off, then trust your gut. This is about what’s best for you.
I genuinely wish you the very best of luck.
Thank you
You can’t heal the past, but you can soothe the future.
Do what currently brings you joy, not what you believed would.
tl/dr: I identiy with some of what you say. Counseling might help but don’t expect an easy panacea. I busy myself with positive things to crowd out the negative when all else fails, and although it is hard for me to sustain that effort in my current situation, when I do that stuff it does work.
The weight of my past experiences became a burden that I haven’t been able to really manage for a long time now: traumatic childhood coupled with and exacerbated by undiagnosed ‘autism’ - in quotation marks because although it is an important part of my story, and an accurate dianosis, it is a bit of a ‘diagnosis du jour’, and nowhere near the self-image I have constructed and I struggle with how I see myself. I very much identify with your experience of having an inaccurate self-image. I came up with reasons as to why I suffered burn out that just weren’t real and need to try and deconstruct that story that I have told myself.
I understand what has happened in my life, and why and how I have ended up where I have, but that isn’t in and of itself enough for me to manage. I personally need quite a large and regimented daily program of stuff (none of it too fancy - exercise, things that give me purpose, and ultimately crowd out the negative things) just to stay on an even keel. I am often not able to sustain the effort and struggle. I need more help than is available in my current situation, and so I am not able to contribute in the manner I can - I am normally a very high achiever.
Counseling can help, but my experience was that finding a counselor that was good for me wasn’t straightforward. In fact after lots of trying I hardly managed it; one helped me through a particularly difficult period, but that was it. I am far from ‘cured’ in any meaningful sense at all.
Oh, I definitely feel for you. Best of luck with dealing with it
Sort through the emotional issues. I know this is probably typical advice, but seriously. Even though it takes a while, and looks impossible, process those feelings. It’s not impossible, because it’s a learned skill. . When you start off, making progress is dreadfully slow. but as you learn how, doing it becomes easier.
You don’t have to sacrifice who you were to become someone you’d want to be. Who you were will always be a part of you, anyways. But as you grow, it ceases to be the dominant voice - just, something to consider.
You didn’t choose the life you lived in the past, so you have no obligation to let it define you. What you choose to do, “going forward” is what you can base your identity on. There is a period of transition ahead of you, while you let your “new past” evolve out of your present actions…but eventually you will have enough of it behind you to honestly say that your own choices are what define you, now.
Do some stuff
