I’m a Cognitive Developmental Transportation Engineer … aka school bus driver.

My mom taught me growing up to deal with spiders like this. She proudly told me how her dad had taught her to do it. Now she’s nearly 90 and when she sees a spider she’s like KILL THAT FUCKIN THING!!!

My local Acme carried red bananas for a while. They are fucking delicious, taste more like a banana custard than a regular yellow banana. They’re also a bit smaller so less of a commitment to carbo-loading when you peel one. I wouldn’t mind at all if they became the new standard banana, even if it would kind of ruin Mario Kart.

We can’t accept drum and bass. We need jungle, I’m afraid.

“What is an Imagine Dragon, anyway?”
“Imagine Dragon deez nutz across your face.”

TBF this was all more than 5 years ago when the job interviewing process at most IT companies involved just putting a moistened finger underneath the candidate’s nostrils. Apparently the programmer job market is pretty horrific these days, although I wouldn’t know since I drive a school bus now.

How about an example from the last 40 years?

“Jimmy Page wrote Stairway to Heaven when he was 23, but I learned to play it at 18.”

MS is waaaay too big to fail.

I was thinking Microsoft employs clever people

As a programmer, I’ve had numerous colleagues who have ended up as software engineers at MS. They were mostly either unbelievably lazy or extremely incompetent. The rest who were both ended up there as managers.

I assume this meme was meant to be pronounced like Gal Gadot’s “Kal El, NO!”?

I usually preferred male PMs, solely because my contempt for their lack of technical knowledge was never mistaken for chauvinism. Women PMs who stayed in their lane – or even better were actually technically competent – were A-OK with me.

My good PMs understood that their role was to attend meetings and create a buffer between myself (who understood what had to be done and was doing most of the work) and the higher-ups. The awful PMs were the ones who thought they were running the show and driving everything.

I used to tell my bosses that everything would take three months. I would then ensure that everything took three months, usually by fucking off for two and a half months and then blasting something out in the last two weeks.

Prostate Manipulator

I used to work for (more accurately at since I was a contractor) a large cable company whose name rhymes with “bombast”. Most of the people in charge of the projects I was working on (usually vice-presidents, a thoroughly overblown title there since there were hundreds of vice-presidents) were hopelessly technically incompetent and/or bordering on clinically insane. For a refreshing change of pace, I occasionally had bosses who were just soulless and amoral. None of them lasted more than a few months before they were suddenly and without warning disappeared. One day you would come in to work and their office was emptied out and they were never mentioned ever again. I’d like to think they were just fired and escorted out, but I would not be surprised to find they were executed and rendered down for the fats they contained.

I used to even have props for some gags

Imagine trying to convert people and you run into fucking Carrot Top.

I used to canvas door-to-door for a public interest group, so I almost always give them some cash and offer them water and a bathroom break. It was an absolutely horrific job and I’m sure it’s even worse today. I still want them to move the fuck on as quickly as possible, though.

I still remember the best interaction I ever had going door-to-door. We were raising money to help fight rising insurance rates, and I was talking to one old guy standing next to his truck. He listened to my spiel and then said “I’ll tell you why insurance rates are so high: it’s because the n****rs are burning the cities down.” I said “well that’s what we’re fighting, sir” and he gave me $25.

I like the solicitors who put their sales brochures in ziplock bags with some rocks and toss it onto your driveway. It gives me rocks to throw at all the other solicitors.

“I’d let you in, but I prefer Mormons. They have better porn.”