I wish I could partake in nap culture, but I always wake up feeling like I’ve been ripped from the goddamn afterlife. Always worse than before. My wife and I just spent two grueling sleepless nights in the postpartum ward, and after returning home today she encouraged me to have a 1-hour nap. I obliged and woke up so fucking brain-sick out of sorts that I could barely interact with my surroundings for the first 30 minutes.

Don’t mind if I do!

I don’t know that this even counts, but one of the most strange but wildly interesting things I used to do years back was randomly exploring defunct teleporters in Habbo Hotel.

For those who don’t know about teleporters/teles in Habbo Hotel, there are probably tens of thousands of pairs of teleports that exist in the game, each of them connecting only to its pair. Since trading furniture is pretty much a currency in Habbo, a lot of individual teleporters get traded off or lost throughout the years, and often end up being parked in random rooms and vast furniture junkyards.

So I would often lay down several random teles from my inventory, or enter my own furniture junkyard, and try every tele in there until I got a live one. This would Bill & Ted me to fuck knows where. If I’m unlucky, it’s just a dead end room. If I’m lucky, it’s a room with even more teles. That’s where the rabbit hole begins. Pretty soon you’re ten teles deep into the weirdest, most liminal Back Rooms spaces you can imagine. Sometimes you even find a back door into other players’ private rooms and get to explore like a cat burglar. The sky was the limit.

I haven’t logged in for a decade or more, but I still miss doing that sometimes.

I included the best pic I could find online of what a tele goldmine looked like, except there would typically be a wide variety of styles and not all portapotties like these.

No, yeah… I get it.

It wasn’t terrible for what it was. I just remember being let down after years of listening to my best friend’s other friend telling me all of these promises he had fully subscribed to. It all sounded too good to be true, but both us and the industry itself were too young to have experienced overpromises like that. I thought maybe I just didn’t know how far technology had come, and we were about to see it fully manifest in all its glory…

But what we got was a fuck load of bloom and a few branching choices. And a marriage system that let you be gay. I definitely made my guy gay. Well, not at first. At first I married the barber because I thought I’d get free haircuts. That didn’t work. So I made my guy gay.

Thanks for letting me know what that sounded like. Next time I’ll add an /s at the end so that the dim individuals among us (not you, of course…) can more easily recognize humor on a sub that’s devoted to it.

Sometimes you just don’t have time. Like, brother… Come on… I’m almost 40. It’s not as easy to jackhammer my wife at the perfect angle for 25 straight minutes anymore. It’s better for everyone, her included, if she helps rub that shit out and we can both be asleep by 10pm. We have work tomorrow, and you know our daughter’s going to come pitter-pattering in here at 4:30am to say she’s hungry because she couldn’t be fucked to eat more than two beans and a half a chicken tender the night prior.

The best part is you know those guys are going to think about how hot that fucking kiss was, and then go home to nut Christianly as soon as possible. Hopefully on/in another adult, as not to nut too Christianly.

My wife and I do this, but I’ve always wondered whether I’m actually helping or just creating a different kind of inconvenience by not organizing them in a beneficial way.

Guns and football seem pretty gay to me…

I can both hear and feel the creaking ricketyness of this, and it feels kind of nice on my brain.

“Holy FUCK, boys! He looks t’ be about a ten footer!”

Somethingsomethingsomething UNATCO? 😶

Years ago I was on 2C-B and lounging about in my brother’s room, staring at a big glowing plastic moon I had bought for him as a joke, when somehow the word and concept of it sent me spiraling down a rabbit hole of cosmic realization. At first the moon (or perhaps my thoughts surrounding the moon) began to rotate like a planetary body, becoming a parent star in a galactic arm, and eventually the central mass of a galaxy itself, ever turning with long tendril arms orbiting around its perimeter.

As the question of it grew, it became the universe itself, on a profoundly metaphysical level, and I came to the realization that every single living organism, both here and elsewhere in the cosmos, are not so much a part or some greater plan or design, but are instead just individual cells and appendages of recently awakened universe. One that has blinked its eyes from a deep sleep and has slowly become self-aware. And just as a child born blind will at some point use their hands and discover they have a body for the first time, we are tiny (but not insignificant) appendages of that universe discovering and exploring itself, trying to make sense or what it even is.

I found immense comfort in the idea that there is no greater meaning to everything than that. We’re just a part of something bigger that is at this very moment trying to make sense of itself, and I don’t need more than that.

I was beating my meat to Natalya’s (Goldeneye 64) cone-shaped tits at age 10. It may have been arguably better for me than jerking off to droves of actual tits.

…Not that I wasn’t doing that also…

You have to really lean in on the words to properly express your italicized voice. You almost have to sound like an asshole. Like a somewhat sarcastic asshole…

Kick his ass, Seabass!

This is obviously a joke, but for those who are not aware:

Between 2022 - 2025, there were 71,000 lbs of fentanyl seized at the Mexican/US border, and only 134 lbs seized at the Canadian/US border. Of the 134 lbs seized, 86.2% of smugglers were US citizens.

DJT is full of shit.

I love Beyond Meat products, but lab grown still freaks me out a little. It’s hard to articulate, but I don’t know that I could eat it without imagining some kind of wet, pulsating mass of slimy flesh sitting in a bin of some sort in a lab, with tubes and wires hooked up all over it. I know damn well that’s not what it is, but the image is there. I hope I get over it.

I’d rather just give up meat entirely and stick to plant-based alternatives.

That’s such a neat trick…