Long story short I have never been successful in dating in any shape or form and it’s starting to really affect my everyday life. I have been in therapy for over 7 years (recently quit) to no avail. I am already on antidepressants which thankfully dampens my libido a bit but I now I want it all the way gone.
So anyway, should I tell my family about this? Nothing will really change if I do, but a part of me is telling they ought to know, you know? But I am not sure if I want to.
Edit: I have decided I am not going to tell them.
From my perspective, I would think of it as a sexual health issue, so there’s no reason to tell them. I would tell my parents if I had a flu, I’m not going out of my way to tell them if I’m taking a male enhancement drug or about my condom use.
No, absolutely not. Leave your parents out of it, your sex life is none of their business and you forcing it on them is incredibly inappropriate.
WTF this is a serious matter, seek professional help, don’t rely on random strangers for critical life choices.
Well I just wanted to ask people if I should tell my parents. But things kind of sidetracked.
Personally, at 26 I wouldn’t tell my parents about reversible drugs I’m trying out under doctor supervision to help with mental issues. But at 26 I also wasn’t rushing into chemical therapies against the advice of my psychiatrist. So maybe you need your parents or other trusted person to be a sounding board while you make a decision.
And seems like the same with any large medical decisions, it may be worth getting a second opinion from another doctor.
Echo all the other people here saying that you should be discussing this with medical professionals.
However - and forgive me for this if I’ve misinterpreted your post - if you think that chemical castration might remove a temptation that you might hurt someone then I’d recommend proceeding with it. Additionally, depending on exactly what the reason you can’t have “normal” relationships, there are some situations that you cannot discuss it with your parents without putting immense amounts of strain on your relationship.
Punishing yourself won’t help you in any way. Talk about it with your therapist, and if your therapist was the one to bring chemical castration up, bitchslap their f*cking face to the ground, because they are not a therapist. Change IS NOT about punishing yourself, change is about taking care of yourself. Punishing oneself achieves NOTHING.
I am not punishing myself, I am relieving myself.
Or you’re willing to guilt-trip your familly for your what-you’re-chosing-to-see-as-a problem.
The real point being: a f*cking LOT of people are virgin/single until later than average, and particularly in your generation. You are living in a time when women are as much as men being driven to ambition and exploitation by career, leaving way less time for people to LIVE, in an economy were one single bread-earner can’t provide for a family, so much that our generations don’t want to make children as it is NOT AFFORDABLE. Let’s not forget how ALIENATED our expectations are ever since the emergence of dating apps and social networks, as it has turned humans into products seeking value and/or valorisation. Not even talking about influencers, who litteraly are the incarnation of consumerism: making people feel bad about themselves so as to sell them something, anything, especially more shit to make people feel bad about themselves so they buy the next thing. Oh, and should we talk about how covid confinement had an impact on the socio-affective life of everybody? You’re 26. You’re living in late-stage capitalism and this late-stage cancerous era is eveything you’ve ever known. You’ve come in at the shittiest of times.
So, yeah, you can punish yourself and your family and take your black pill into suicide OR, you can pinpoint what are the most alienating elements to human society by asking yourself the right questions. Because it’s you, man, but it’s mostly you VS the alienating society we live in and how we hurt ourselves trying to please it, even though it actually is a giant slimy tumor. You are not alone, it’s not only about you, it’s also about the state of the world around us and what it makes of us all.
Now put yourself in the perspective of the world we live in and then ask yourself what could be different, how to achieve it and who benefit most from things being as they are right now. You might discover some goodness toward yourself.
Else, if it’s just a sex/bigottry problem, please do masturbate and stop listening to people saying that touching yourself is sin or that you are a better male when you don’t JO. It’s utter bullshit. If god had given you a mean to enjoy yourself only to punish you for doing it, then god is a sadist, a bully and an imbecile. People eat, people drink, people piss, people shit, people masturbate. It’s called being human.
Else, if it’s another problem, please do talk about it all with your therapist.
I met my fiancee at 31, and I only had one real relationship before that and was single for over 10 years. Just because you’ve been unsuccessful so far doesn’t mean you’re forever alone.
Chemical castration is a pretty extreme reaction. I would suggest you interrogate why you want to do this, like at the deepest levels. Removing your libido won’t keep you from being lonely.
You say you were in therapy for 7 years. What kind? Was it all with the same therapist? Maybe you need a different therapist, or perhaps an actual psychiatrist or psychologist, or to try a different form of therapy. There’s lots of things to try.
You say you’ve been unsuccessful in dating. What does that mean? You’re focusing on your libido, so does that mean you’re having trouble getting sex, specifically? Is that all you’re focused on in dating? If so, maybe you need to change your approach to dating.
I second this.
Are you actually too horny, or could it be that you’re too lonely?
Just because you’ve been unsuccessful so far doesn’t mean you’re forever alone.
It’s bit a of a personal rabbit hole to get into here in Lemmy. But let’s just say it’s more than just being alone.
Removing your libido won’t keep you from being lonely.
I am not lonely, though. I am quite socially active. I have a ton of hobbies (I dance, I climb, I golf, I skateboard, I also go to the gym ALOT, I am also part of a board of a social club) I just don’t want to be attracted to women anymore, basically.
You say you were in therapy for 7 years. What kind? Was it all with the same therapist?
Mostly CBT, but also “regualr” therapy. Three different psychologists.
You say you’ve been unsuccessful in dating. What does that mean?
To but it blankly I am still a virgin. And I feel unlovable. Whether successful or not successful at this point. I feel like I don’t want to have any sort of relationship anymore because I feel like it just won’t give me any salvation.
I get it, it seems like it will never change, but it will. I have a neighbor, a life-long bachelor, met his wife in his late 50s. She had 9 grown kids, and a zillion grandkids. He went from being alone to being part of a tribe, just when he thought his life was setting. That might be more than you’re looking for, but it illustrates the point.
Your life is going to take a series of turns that you can’t predict. Don’t do anything permanent that will limit your future.
From my point of view it kind of proves my point. Why would I endure decades of loneliness with an insufferable libido with the only consolation ending up with a woman when I’m in my fifties.
YOU are missing the point. I’m not saying it won’t happen until your 50s, I’m saying that you never know when it will happen. I was 33 when I got married. Never even got close before that, with friends getting married and divorced before my first. Just because you are looking around and seeing it happen to others, doesn’t mean your chance has passed.
Not a doctor, but wouldn’t the procedure also affect your ability to do your hobbies and social activities due to hormones being affected, like muscle loss or whatever? I imagine that will even worsen your situation if it affects other aspects of your life as well.
That sounds like a permanent solution to what could very well be a temporary problem. And castrated or not, you’ll still be you. If you’re horny and unhappy, I suspect you’d just end up not horny and still unhappy.
EDIT: And I just realized how apt the name “Throwaway Salami” is for someone considering this.
I don’t believe that chemical castration is permanent, per Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemical_castration
Chemical castration is generally reversible when treatment is discontinued, although permanent effects in body chemistry can sometimes be seen
I’m not saying that I recommend it to OP, just want to be accurate.
Well I don’t want kids and I’m pretty sure I’m aromantic (not to be confused with asexual). So either way the damage is marginal.
Edit: Okay you’ve edited your original comment quite a bit. I dunno no horniness, means no sexual desires, means no distractions means more focus on doing the things I like.
Can we step back a few paces first? Has any kind of doctor actually okayed the procedure for you?
Sorta. My psychiatrist has recommended me to try some different medications first. But he’s pretty open to the idea.
You told your psychiatrist you want to chemically castrate yourself and they had no objections?
Well the guy said he thought it was a little too soon to be talking about total castration, hence he recommended me some other medications first. (To which I have forgotten the names of now)
I guess I wouldn’t personally describe that as “open to the idea”
My unsolicited and non professional advice is to not get chemically castrated. Work on the things that make you feel unsuitable for a relationship rather than giving up on it. You’re young as hell still.
Have you considered hookers?
You may be pursuing the wrong goal. Taking strong T blockers to nuke your testosterone will likely slash your libido. However, if this was just about sex, if you were just horny…well escorts are are a thing. But people seek out partners for far more than just intimacy. The sex really is a small part of a relationship. What you’re really seeking in your heart of hearts is companionship, love, and romantic fulfillment. Nuking your libido won’t solve that fundamental human longing.
Also, you really don’t want to be without any active sex hormone. Your system can run on T or E, but it needs one or the other. With all your hormones at low levels, you’re at risk for menopausal symptoms like osteoporosis, cardiovascular effects, hot flashes, brain fog, etc. You could take estrogen along with the blockers to avoid these effects, but that would have severe issues (assuming a gender transition isn’t something you desire.) If you tried to take estrogen along with the T blockers, that would cause a high level of feminization - you would basically be doing trans hormone therapy at that point. And the E might cause your libido to come back as well.
Dropping your T level to near zero will produce serious long-term health effects that you really don’t want to experience. If someone told me they were, like, a non-offending pedophile who desperately wanted to nuke their libido before they hurt someone, well in that case I might say the negative health effects are worth it. But by doing this, you’re signing yourself up for serious long-term health effects, all for something that is unlikely to really solve the true source of your pain.
What you’re really seeking in your heart of hearts is companionship, love, and romantic fulfillment.
No. No, I ain’t. I’m aromantic. I don’t feel like that towards other people. A relationship feels like a compromise to me. Always has been.
As for the drop in T and its effects. I’ll discuss it with my psychiatrist, thanks for the info.
Seconding this on going without sex hormones, from first-hand experience: it’s absolutely not a place for a depressive to be, to the point where I would consider a psychiatrist willing to okay it for a depressive patient to be dangerously ignorant, at best. I urge you to seek out a new mental health team for this and other reasons.
Also, I’m surprised no one’s mentioned this: sex with friends is a thing. I’ve had just as much sex with friends in my life as I have in committed relationships. It just requires good communication and boundaries.
sex with friends
If I could just have sex with my friends I wouldn’t have considered chemical castration.
Ok, then why not just hire an escort once in awhile when you’re feeling like getting frisky? That will won’t have the health effects of blocking T. Probably would be cheaper in the long run considering medical costs.
It’s a pride thing. But who knows if the T blocking measures truly are that detrimental I might consider it.
Understood. Try not to get too discouraged. I met my husband when we were both 27, and I was his first partner. You’re not as doomed as you think.
Albeit I am in my 70ies now and married for >40 years, I sometimes think that I should have myself castrated when I was young. Sure, my path of life would have been very different after that, but it would also have spared me a lot of stress, grief and drama. Looking at my dogs that were all spayed/neutered - they had a happy life, haha. But you never know, what such a decision brings and how it changes your life and if you really want that.
Also, you’re an adult. You decide if you inform your family. If you cannot take that decision by yourself, you may not be ready to take the other, bigger decision just yet.
When I was younger, my libido seemed to drive a lot of my decisions. I suspect I would have made much better choices if it had been turned down.
You decide if you inform your family. If you cannot take that decision by yourself, you may not be ready to take the other, bigger decision just yet.
Oof. I prefer to think that OP is trying to think through the consequences and wants our advice. On the big decision as well as the smaller one.
Jesus Christ 😒
You know at the very least you could answer the question before passing judgement.
Edit: why are you guys booing me? This is c/AskLemmy
To answer your question: you probably shouldn’t tell them if you don’t want drama.
I’m an older man. In the past decade, my libido has decreased significantly. I used to fixate on sex. I’d feel incredibly frustrated when a perceived opportunity for sex fell through. I spent an unhealthy amount of time looking at porn. A constant desire for sex complicated my romantic relationships.
Now that my libido is lower, sex feels like a fun activity. A missed opportunity is a minor disappointment, rather than severely frustrating. Porn feels like an occasional treat rather than a necessity. Wanting sex is something I choose, rather than a compulsion.
So I think I understand where you might be coming from. If I could have turned down my libido when I was your age, I think I might have considered it.
I don’t know much about chemical castration. Other posters said there may be undesirable long-term side effects. You should discuss those with your family, since they might know about issues that run in your family. But there will be drama.
If the procedure is reversible, sure. Give it a try, and if it doesn’t work for you, you can go back.
I’m surprised people are reacting so strongly in opposition to it. I’m not a doctor and only know what is on Wiki, but it does indeed look reversible.
If OP’s libido can be temporarily dialed down at a time when it is an actual impairment to quality of life, then I think it is a valid medical treatment that is at least worth considering.
If it’s reversible they probably shouldn’t call it chemical castration.
I agree, it’s not a good name for it.
