cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3500461
it was bad, but we both agree we have to talk about it.
The conversation became a yelling match where neither listened to the other, we both started ranting about the other one and left the room.
It was, however, mostly my fault, something I want to acknowledge.
I was thinking about using pauses each time one feels offended or thinks is going to yell, so we both leave the room and calm down, pauses we can use to try to understand the other’s point of view before resuming the conversation. We don’t have to solve all our problems in one sitting, we could explain how we see a particular issue and if we don’t see an immediate solution, sleep on it, meet on another day to keep talking about it. I’ve also heard about using a talking pillow and not forgetting is not me against her, but we against the problem, but other than that I have no idea what to do.
I also plan to tell her I find some things she does extremely unfair because this is not a one sided apology where I’m the only guilty party.
This is a conversation to clear the air, to be sincere and to see if we still want to be friends.
Try using “I” statements instead of “you” statements, for example: “You make me feel so angry” is blamey, accusatory and points a finger to the other person and most people stop listening after feeling attacked.Instead use “I feel angry when: __________” And then name whatever the reason is as neutrally as possible: I feel neglected when the dishes are left out, I feel unheard when I get on my car and the tank is empty, I feel hurt when I cannot express my concerns, etc etc. In my experience this works in two ways: The other person does not feel attacked and might be willing to actually listen and work on whatever the issue you peeps are having.
Oh! Another big one is to come up with a don’t interrumpt method that works for you.Some people use the pillow turn, some people use a timer but the most creative I have seen is that whenever this couple of people needed to discuss whatever issue, they would get out a bowl of some sort of snack be it grapes, chips, etc. And the one chewing was the one listening, whenever chewing was over the talking person would stop and exchange places lol.
What I personally use with my kid and SO is to have mutual agreements before starting a serious talk, for example: " I love you and want to work together with you to solve this, we are both smart compassionate people, it is not you versus me, it is both of us against the problem."
In a not so loving enviroment, the agreement and approach would be different:
" OK I am here to talk about ______ I want us to solve this and will do my best to achieve that as I hope you do too. I will not tolerate being insulted, yelled at or patronized. If unfortunately any of those things happen during our conversation I will be leaving the room and we will have to reschedule at a better time that works for both of us"
Hope this helps, you got this!
The last thing I hear as I choke to death on a grape trying to rush for my turn is, “mwaahahaaaaaa!”