When I (23M) was growing up, my parents hated whenever I locked my door for privacy. Like most adolescent boys, I had a libido and things that I liked to look at when I was taking care of that.
When I was 15, my dad would lean against my door every day to listen in. One day, he heard I was in the middle of it, and as quickly as possible, he picked the lock of my door and caught a glimpse of me watching some pretty crude and wacky rule 34 that was sorta ambiguously gendered. He immediately closed the door and retreated to his room. When I cleaned up and asked why he “knocked,” he said “nothing” with an unsettling smile.
7 years later, when I came out as passionately heterosexual because I finally figured out what my type was, he became very angry and told me I was REALLY a [f-slur], and he could prove it by revealing what he caught me watching all those years ago. I actually thought he would be glad to know how I turned out, but it seems that he, a conservative, was angry that I wasn’t queer.
Recently, my older brother got into my journal with all of my private thoughts. The first thing he read was the dozens of pages of sexual fantasies I wrote down for my sole enjoyment and reference. When I confronted him, he justified his intrusion into my most intimate thoughts with “God told me to do it.” He nitpicked my fantasies and told me that my openness to choosing my gender and sexual expression instead of forcing myself into the cishet box would inexplicably turn me into a pedophile. It seems that 5,000+ unfiltered words exhaustively proving my heterosexual attraction for strong mature women and wholesome consensual lovemaking style were not satisfactory. Not that any of it was ever his business.
I’m curious if others have have experienced this dynamic of family members violating someone to “test” their sexuality and look for evidence of deviance, or if this is a complete “WTF” situation that isn’t even a thing among most conservative households.
Very late to answering this it seems, but basically him and I just discuss things about my life while he chimes in with different perspectives and advice (when appropriate). Each session is a bit different tho and sometimes he’ll give me “homework” if he thinks I’m struggling to see certain ideas from certain angles. This sometimes means a worksheet and it sometimes means asking myself a certain question or questions when I notice myself or others behaving in certain ways.
Hated that shit at first, but it’s actually kind of fun to peel back the layers and learn something new through it these days. Usually. Sometimes I forget and he will occassionally get a bit more direct about what he was trying to insinuate me toward, because a good therapist puts in the effort to meet you where you need to be met, while still pushing you to raise yourself up a little higher each day.
The first time I tried therapy was a different story (they were very presumptuous and certain of their correctness on these presumptions, basically. The exact kind of person that I tend to find incredibly annoying and unhelpful) so it was only a couple sessions with them before I decided it was just a really bad match and got tf out of there. Like others have said, the option to disconnect and try again with a different professional is always there, too. Sometimes, it is very necessary to take advantage of that.
That last line in your comment could potentially be a great jumping off point were you to try therapy. Making it clear what you fear about it right along with what you hope it could help with; that’s a great place to kick things off with a level-headed and helpfully-inclined talk therapist. And many of them (tho def not all) are offering exactly that.
Best of luck with whatever comes next for you, stranger!