For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.
I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
I had issues with this, with my partner. They love surprises, and kept trying to learn how to correctly surprise me with a gift.
The sentence that finally got us on the same page:
“I can enjoy a surprise. But I enjoy same event, whatever it is, more, if it is not a surprise. I don’t necessarily hate every event that is a surprise. But every surprise is less pleasant to me than the same event would be without the surprise.”
This finally got them to stop trying to find a right way to surprise me, and just make a judgement call whether the surprise was worth making it a little less nice for me.
They do still surprise me, sometimes, but they finally understand that there’s a cost, to me, to it. And now they weigh that into their decision, and it is so nice for me!
Edit: And we now have a shared understanding that anything big or expensive or hard to store needs to not be a surprise.
This part is important. I touched in it a little in my comment to OP as well, but it’s easy to forget that a relationship is not only about how you show love, but how you accept it. I’m glad you’re able to accept some surprises and I’m glad your partner has accepted that not everything should be a surprise. It’s a good compromise!
Wait, so no surprise brand new cars with a giant red bow for Christmas like they show in the commercials? /s
Seriously though, this is a pretty good rule. I may have to talk to my spouse about doing something similar.
I couldn’t agree more. A cute little toy or gadget? Sure, surprise me. New laptop, car, washing machine, furniture? What the fuck, why would you surprise someone with that, if I’m to use it I want a say in what kind it is and that we didn’t waste money on bullshit. It’s not even that I don’t trust others, just that I feel left out. A simple “hey, the washing machine broke, I found a good one and I think ill buy it” is enough.