Things that I (23M, heterosexual) find really hot that I feel like most others don’t:
- People who look friendly, cuddly, and ordinary (the average woman my age is way hotter than most celebrities)
- The feeling of being kept safe and comforted by someone and doing the same for them in return
- Sexual desirability based on trust, familiarity, and fondness of the overall person
- Imperfection and compromise
- Realistic (“small”) anatomy
- Physical quirks or conventionally unattractive features that instantly become cute and hot because they symbolize mutual trust and vulnerability
- Wholesome romantic lovemaking
- Sexual sensitivity to pure affection; being covered in kisses and snuggles by a partner is hot
- Chubbiness, for the soft cuddles
- Being a guy who’s soft-spoken, blushy, emotionally expressive, very sensitive to his partner’s affection, and vocal in a high-pitched manner during sex
- Male genitalia represents trust and vulnerability, not power
- Both partners are stronger than each other in complementary ways that allow each to feel safe and protected when the other is leading
- The giver during sex is gentle and caring, while the receiver is incredibly receptive and grateful; sex isn’t lusty or aggressive
- Strength is used to create a safe space and melt someone’s defenses to facilitate unguarded closeness
- Roughly equal degrees of emotional vulnerability and expressiveness between partners
- Sensual connection over vigorousness and performance
- Oral sex > intercourse
Things that I feel like most others seem to find really hot that I don’t:
- Male (or sometimes female) dominance
- Male genitalia represents power
- Strong focus on specific individual body parts
- Having sex with someone you just met and don’t plan to have a relationship with
- Exaggerated anatomy that only a small percentage of people actually have
- Strength is used to dominate or overpower
- One partner (often male) is regarded as stronger and is less emotionally vulnerable or expressive than the other
- Intercourse or penetration as the main focus
- Sexual desirability based on physical appearance and sexual performance
I felt like I was going crazy living in a society where it seemed like the cultural conception of sex was this weird thing that it felt almost everyone resonated with except for me. So I’m interested to see if other people can relate to my alternative perspective.
(Note: I’m aware of demisexuality, but I don’t think it applies to me because I experience sexual attraction immediately as long as the other person appears kind and trustworthy)
everything you listed is mainstream sex culture. I think you’re confusing mainstream culture with hollywood depictions of it. the problem with that is that hollywood exists to sell you a product, they only care if that depiction is a healthy one if they can’t make more money by depicting something problematic or unrealistic.
Being heterosexual myself, I get what this can be like for some. For my case, I’d rather connection than straight up whoopie. That’s just me, though.
what are you smoking? mainstream culture is about emotional sex connection.
unless you’re talking about porn or something?
the vast majority of people have few sex partners. very few people have high partner counts… they are just a lot more vocal about it so there is make a lot more noise than the average person who only sleeps with like 4 people in their lifetime and gets married.
you perception of reality is very distorted, probably because of your reliance on social media which is full of the ‘loud and proud’ types who go on and talk about sleeping with 100s of people as if it’s normal.
what are you smoking?
Emotional abuse, isolation, and mainstream porn lol.
I was gaslighted by my family into believing that I was fundamentally different from everyone else and didn’t fit in, so I socially isolated myself in childhood and basically got my sex ed from slop porn, which further compounded the feelings that something was wrong with me and I didn’t belong.
I’m working to challenge those beliefs by coming up with more positive theories, then asking online to test the waters, and finally asking people in real life to see if the consensus changes. So far, this has helped me to recognize that I have been living in a delusional solipsistic bubble that not even my own abusers recognize anymore.
It’s been helping me a lot. Things keep getting better because I’m questioning all of the assumptions that make me feel defeated and hopeless. I’ve never been so happy to be wrong about everything. Thanks for the feedback.
That’s a great journey you’re on. Takes a lot of guts to re-evaluate our worldview, even when the old one is making us miserable.
i too have recently escaped a bubble i somewhat inadvertently put myself into with help from others, it is a…weird…feeling joining the world again.
kinda been an otaku for the last decade or so i think
I think there’s a way that society represents “what sex is” that is very different from most people’s experience of it. For various reasons, Hollywood/advertising/porn all promote skinny and heavily made up women. And even if they find those kinds of actresses or models hot on the screen, that’s not the kinds of women most men actually crush on.
The reality is most people have a fairly limited number of sexual relationships, and they’re often with people who do not meet some abstract societal idea of ‘hotness’. A lot of the time people are attracted to people because they like them, and they have good chemistry. Sometimes it’s more of a ‘type’ or whatever (knew a guy who was really into short girls, and then I met his tiny mother…)
Same with relationships or sex or whatever. People learn a bunch of expectations and assumptions growing up, and then as theynget older they realise that most people don’t actually fit that arbitary standard. Sure, some guysnare horny all the time and just want emotionless sex, and so do some women. But it’s not as ‘normal’ as some media would suggest.
Nah it’s not that rare.
If i like you, i think you’re cute as hell. If you’re an asshole, there’s no amount of muscles or haircuts that will make you attractive.
I know some that have that
