Please don’t tell me “see a therapist” I know that already.
sounds like a right winger would say. is your mom working, if shes a sahm , she literally just the thing she described.
Don’t worry about it. You’ll save a ton of cash later, if you catch my drift.
Somebody else pointed out that there is probably nothing you could say or do to change her mind, and I’m sorry to say that’s probably correct. She may or may not recognizes she’s being emotionally abusive, but the authority she has over you likely gives her a sense of power. Trying to control your emotions by getting a reaction out of you, or making you upset, or making you mask your own emotions to please her (ex:telling you that you’re not really feeling how you tell her you feel) gives her a sense of control.
You should know it’s very pathetic behavior on her part, but you shouldn’t waste your own time and energy trying to change her, or trying to get back at her by saying something mean to hurt her (even though that’s exactly what she’s priming you to do, and probably what her own parents did to her).
There is a good chance that one day you’re going to realize it’s just not worth the hassle and stress to have somebody so negative and toxic in your life. You’re stuck with her now because she brought you into this world. You had no say in the matter.
That’s what makes her obligated to you, (legally at least until you’re able to take care of yourself, morally forever because you’re always going to be her child that she brought into this world). Her job is to be your mother and accept you as her child.
Your job is to learn who you are and grow into yourself. That’s it. You have no other obligation. She might have put a roof over your head and kept you alive, but that’s literally bare minimum for every parent. It sounds like her idea of “value” is just doing her bare minimum obligation.
She might not realize it until the day she finds herself alone and longing to have you in her life, but one day it will be your choice, (not your obligation), to decide if you want any relationship or contact with her. She may currently have power and control over you, but she doesn’t seem to have much value.
You might want to consider just not bothering to share your feelings and emotions with her anymore. Just talk to her like you would an acquaintance or a customer at work. No need for hostility or being rude, but also no need to make yourself vulnerable to somebody who refuses to respect you.
You can’t control her being abusive and crazy. All you can control is your own reaction (and doing so will probably piss her off more than any hurtful thing you could ever say to her). She can be as mean and crazy as she wants, but just try to let it roll of your back and keep yourself neutral in whatever interactions you have. Minimize your time with her until you’re able to move out.
I’m sorry she sucks and you deserve better. Maybe someday she can work on herself, and learn to be the kind of mother you deserve. Maybe she can apologize to you and you can forgive her and start a new chapter. If not it’s her loss and you shouldn’t let the opinion of a vindictive crazy woman make you question your own value.
Learn from her mistakes, and make it your goal to try and be the kind of person you needed around when you were growing up.
Why does your mom think she can decide who deserves to live?
Maybe she is a trolley lever operator tho
She is obviously mentally ill. She lacks the ability to empathize with others so she very well may be a psychopath or have a cluster b personality disorder. My advice is that she should see a therapist and if she doesn’t you should minimize contact or cut her off because she’s obviously very toxic
Don’t take the bait of arguing with them through this batshit rhetorical frame that they are presenting. Stay focused on what it is that you want to say.
Well, what is value ? What’s her “value” ?
Helping others is of enormous value.
This won’t help your mom, she won’t change her mind and will try to drag the argument or will just attack until everything is destroyed. But here’s a clear rebuttal of the idea.
The failure of demanding everyone showing worth is determining what is worth and who gets to define and assign it. Every petty warlord believes they are the one to decide… and oh gee, amazing how they have the most worth.
If you tell your mom you will only accept her argument if she accepts you have more worth than her - and demonstrates it to you every day - it will probably make her go no contact until she needs you again for emotional affirmation.
Depression is real, I don’t have it but it’s real and I have friends that deal with it as part of their lives. It sounds like getting out of your mom’s sewer might help, but you might need medication as well.
You can tell her she’s a negative person who devalues other humans to make herself feel important.
You can simply tell her that when she speaks like that you personally think less of her.
Your mom is a bitch.
prove to me that you have value
And then demand that she proves every turtle on the way down. Money is not an indication of value because it has no inherent worth, etc.
Demand that she proves that your value is attributable to her and is not inherent to you. Etc.
Your mom is unfortunately mentally ill. Whether from upbringing or from organic damage to the brain… who knows. There’s really not much you can do about it - parents especially are highly unlikely to listen to advice or anything from their children. Try to remove yourself from your mother as far as possible. Minimal communication, minimal contact.
“why aren’t you a millionaire? Hard work brings wealth. Lazy people like you don’t have much value I guess.”
Assuming you want to burn that bridge.
The thing is… depends on how you tally up the assets… if you liquidated all of it, it probably adds up to a million… (maybe, not sure)
But naw, its so tough out there… I can’t afford to burn bridges… ICE is randomly picking up people on the street, being homeless and without access to money (like legal fees, in case they try to deport me or something) and without family to help is a baaad idea.
The depressed, that’s including you?
My guess is that you are depressed because you are rejected. It’s a gamble, but if you leave the rejection behind the depression could improve.
Also, showing the limit of power will change the power dynamics.
The unfortunate part could be that devaluating depressed people could be her attempt at making you abandon depression to make you happy.
So the rebuttal could be that it doesn’t help.
I hear ya.
The fundamental problem is that she doesn’t decide who society thinks has value. If people without value should die, one day society might decide she has no value. Then what?
It’s best to have a world where everyone is treated decently, because you never know where you’ll end up.
Say something as equally callous and ridiculous but angled to harm them like “I think we should euthanize old people,” and then when they get upset say “that’s what you sound like, so shut the fuck up.”
Lol I remember I used to say something like: “hey grandmother is kinda useless, kill her? hehe” (jokingly)
I think mom just said something like “she had value in the past” and “i never had value”
… 🥲
Nothing, someone with that world view isn’t worth talking to. I’ve argued with enough brick walls in my life to recognize one.
