Edit: Thanks for the advice. I didn’t want to describe the exact situation because I was hoping for more general advice. Listing the age probably would have helped, though. To preface this, I don’t have kids
I was left with my 2-year-old niece this afternoon. My sister was working, and my brother-in-law was taking my other niece (5) to a birthday party. Before he left, my brother-in-law put the 2-year-old down for a nap. He told me to wake her up in 2 hours. She woke up in about 20 minutes.
At the time, I was doing some electrical work with the entire house out, because fuck the person who labeled the breaker. So I’m knees deep in exposed wires when I hear someone screaming “daddy!” upstairs. I made things as… less unsafe… as I could and went to her room. After trying to console her for about 10 minutes, I decided to let her just cry it out. She never did.
I finished my work, running up and down the stairs several times (like you do when someone doesn’t label the fucking switches), and I went back in her room. She’s still screaming for her dad. I eventually got her to calm down by pulling up a nursery rhyme video, and getting her a snack.
So far as I’m concerned, “I did everything right”. I didn’t get upset, I tried to let her resolve her own issues, and ultimately, I was able to get her to calm down. (I said I didn’t get upset. I got very worried she’d walk out with all the wires out of the wall) Still wonder could I have done anything differently? Is this just a no win scenario? What would you have done?
Now the 5 year old I have different problems with. She likes to push buttons. The latest thing being her trying to jump on me when I’m on the couch. My sister has a pretty straightforward time out protocol, which, I’ve “abused” in the past. They usually give her 5 minutes, I gave her 15 with less warning than they give. (She hit her sister, wtf am I supposed to do…) Holy crap I’ve never seen a kid that upset! She appealed to my brother-in-law and got the sentence reduced to normal.
So now she does this thing where if I tell her not to do something, she’ll try to side step it to see what she actually can get away with. Do I straight shut that down? Do I let it go for a while? She tries to have these kinds of things arbitrated by my sister and brother-in-law. They don’t exactly take her side, but they don’t take mine either. They kind of let it alone, which empowers her.
My sister and brother-in-law are by no means roll-overs. They take discipline seriously and have fantastic communication with the kids about how both parties feel, why, and why the consequences are what they are. But I tend to be less tolerant of behavior I’ve already addressed and see as unacceptable. Thoughts?
Some kids will test your boundaries. They don’t mean to upset you, they just want to be sure the rules are the rules. Just stay firm, keep repeating. I had to put the 2yo kid of a friend in ‘timeout’ (put in another room and briefly close the door, explaining why) because he was testing out my boundaries by throwing my stuff on the floor. This can get worse when they are tired, to the point where they want everything and nothing till they pass out - this particular toddler stood next to my bed, complaining about everything (especially the lack of mother’s milk!), not wanting to enter while I was just repeating my invitation to join me. In the end he fell asleep standing. No problem, I then lifted him onto the bed where he took his nap.
I think a lot of us still grew up in situations that were escalated into some kind of conflict by the grown ups around us, and we somehow carry the idea that when our kid doesn’t show the desired behavior we have to become louder, more threatening, come up with punishment … It’s not what I see working well in real life. As a grown up your job is to be the rock, the source of calm, the unbothered person, the voice of reason (I know, it’s so hard!). And repeat, repeat, repeat. The toddler will not understand immediately that throwing stuff is a bad idea, so you tell them, and tell them again, and again … but always keeping your cool. In a couple of years they will have grown out of being a gremlin, you know that and they don’t. The toddler phase is intense, seems to last forever, but is actually very short! I find it useful to explain everything in words even to very small children. They understand more words than they are able to say. Letting them know why they can’t have or do something shows respect and consideration and can avoid a screaming match.
Putting a toddler in bed and let them wake up with someone else is not an easy situation for them, it was probably a bit of a no-win. I know I’d freak out waking up in a strange house without my usual person!
Keep your promises and be predictable. Predictability and clear rules and consequences create a sense of security and it will make it easier for them to comply. Treat them with respect, they are small, not stupid. Treat them kindly but firmly, what they want isn’t always what they need.
You also might want to talk with the parents about this, they know their kids best and can give specific advice. What works with one kid, might not work with the other.
This is a wildly vague question, but a snippet of advice I was given years ago by a mate with a kid a few years older than my (then) toddlers was “You don’t have to provide them with constant entertainment, you just need to do one or two activities for a short amount of time and that’s what they remember”.
It’s great advice. Kids at early ages can be a fucking nightmare, but the truth is, you take them swimming for an hour, or do some painting for a while, or go to the park for a bit, and that’s what gets imbued on their consciousness. You get the rewards when they fill in that little book at school about what they did at the weekend, and it’s a ten minute window of shit you did that was fun for them, and not the rest of the stressful admin that comes with dealing with young children.
My nearly adult kids often say to me now “you were always doing fun things with us”. Mate, I played table tennis in a shed with you for 20 minutes, or sat down with you for a bit and made a robot out of a fucking cardboard box and a bog roll.
One or two activities a day where your attention is fully on them is enough to create happy memories for them. You don’t need to helicopter about.
And the rest of the time it shouldn’t just be choice of locking them in a room vs entertaining them. Just include them in whatever you were going to do anyway. Cleaning the house? Kid gets a small/toy broom. Laundry? Kid carries empty baskets or something. Holding wrenches or flashlights for repairs is traditional.
None of these things will make the tasks go faster, of course, but the child is occupied and learning to be helpful, and you aren’t driving yourself crazy trying to run a household and entertain them 24/7 at the same time.
I actually got one of my nieces to help me spackle this morning, but I’ll be more conscientious of that in the future. Thanks
Damned good advice.
Extra bonus points if you live in the country, you can let them go play in the woods for a while. Kids can get creative in woods.
I really like this. I’ll keep it in my back pocket
Feed and water them regularly. Don’t let them die. If you can make them happy, that’s good too.
When it’s almost time for them to switch from a preferred to a less/non-preferred activity, asking them “Do you wanna quit/start now, or in 5 minutes?” makes it feel like it’s their choice
Thanks great! Thanks!
Absolutely. Works almost every time.
They just want to be a part of our lives. Involve them in your routines. Going grocery shopping might be a chore for you but it is a trip for them.
Always make them think it is their choice. If they don’t want to eat abc and xyz but the dinner is abc and xyz, ask them what do they want to eat first - abc or xyz?
They are information sponges. They won’t understand everything, but they will catch on to at least some things. Don’t treat them like idiots. Don’t be unfair. Don’t be arbitrary.
Because it’s fresh in mind from a personal conversation, e.g., if a parents treats one child better than the other, the other absolutely sees it and she will remember. Reactions may vary, but she sees it and will make future choices with that information in mind.
Avoid any situation in which you might have to do so.
Age really makes a difference in how someone might answer.
Right. My 9 year old would reply with “just give me ice cream and let me play Minecraft all day” where I would not suggest that.
Now for any age: if they seem grumpy, feed them.
You’re right. I updated the thread
order pizza.
employ video games.
Pay attention to them even if you aren’t engaging with them - they can create all sorts of mayhem very quickly. My friend’s kid managed to lock himself in an operating washing machine. One of my kids managed to shave the center of his hair (to be like dad). And my other kid can find the most expensive item in a room and break it immediately (a true talent).
So a future Marine?
I fortunately picked that one up. What do you do if you have to go to the bathroom or step out of the room for another reason?
I pee with the door open so I can hear them at all times. Our life is wild
Sounds very general. How long are we talking? How old are the kids? How many?
It’s a two and five year old. My sister’s kids. I take care of them two to three times a year. We are one week into a 2 week stint
