If you small talk with someone and they react positively (or at least don’t treat you weird) … then the person you are small talking to is a decent RECEPTIVE person who is also open to a bit of communication.
If you small talk with someone and they immediately treat you weird, walk away or just don’t want to deal with you … then chances are, it was a good thing you said something to eliminate any negative interaction.
This is what a lot of people don’t get about small-talk, and OP’s image touches on it, it’s not about educating someone how trains work (looking at you fellow autists) it’s about playing a short game where you gauge each other’s receptiveness to friendliness or a desire to socialize. If your small-talk partner isn’t receptive, has nothing to say and seems disinterested, you take your leave. You say “Hey I gotta run, see ya around!” and just leave it at that.
(Guys, this is also how you talk to girls you don’t know, it’s literally the entirety of volumes of pickup artist bullshit condensed into one paragraph without any weird games or sexist bullshit. Just make small-talk, see if they want to engage back, AND THEN WALK THE FUCK AWAY if they’re icy to you. If they don’t respond, that doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you, and no you don’t get a second chance in this conversation, you will make it worse if you keep trying to talk to someone not interested. I am shocked how hard this is for so many guys to understand. And fully prepared to piss insecure midwits off with this factual take because it triggers SO many insecure people to talk about how to socialize properly.)
Small talk is even harder in public if you are a big tall brown long haired Native Canadian man like me. I’m older now and I’m fully aware that I intimidate people at first glance. I’m not violent, or do or want to do aggressive things but if you saw me, chances are those are the first impressions that you would see.
In northern Ontario, Caucasian people are familiar with people like me and I can easily talk to most people, especially in rural areas. But if I talk to some young woman, I’m often treated like some kind of monster.
I’ve also been to Europe in Germany, France, Italy and Spain and over there it is even harder for me to conduct small talk … there’s a language barrier and on top of that I look like I do. No matter how modern people can be, there is always a level of racism when people encounter someone who doesn’t look like everyone else they know.
So to me … small talk is a public filter.
If I talk to someone and they don’t want to engage, I move on.
If I talk to someone and they treat me kindly and openly, I’ve met someone who will help me feel more comfortable in this strange world.
I don’t have a problem with any of what you said just now. Keep using it as a filter if it works for you.
I have a big problem with the insinuation that anyone that walks away is saying more about themselves than they are the person they’re talking to. It’s a two-way street. You’re passing judgement by essentially saying anyone who does not talk for any reason is indecent.
That’s what you were saying in your initial comment. And it’s clear you aren’t able to think that other people may have their own issues such as the purported anxiety, from another comment. That, to me, denotes a lack of empathy, putting yourself in their shoes.
Maybe they’ve had trauma before, from being approached on the street. Maybe they panic. Maybe they are having a bad day.
That none of these crossed your mind is what makes me angry about your stance of characterising everyone who chooses to talk as “decent”. You’re not even sure they are! It could be they want something from you, or they feel obligated, or they’re lying or feigning interest.
But because they fell into your preferred pattern of communication you judge them as “decent”.
If you can’t see how judging everyone around you for their own behaviour which does not affect you can come across as massively arrogant and full of yourself, then that just denotes even further arrogance.
Thanks for the insight … I’ve made a subtle change to my first comment to reflect what you said.
It was a poor choice of words and phrasing on my part … a lot of time I’m just off handedly commenting on things while doing something else and never think too much or too clearly about what I’m saying or commenting.
As an older man now … I do take time to gauge who I am talking to, especially young people, because I know social anxiety, being awkward and just being young makes it difficult for young people to do any kind of small talk. But I also do have to do it safely in a public setting where I can feel safe and the person I talk to can feel safe.
As you can see … small talk even in a public forum like this is a skill we have to learn.
If anything small talk is necessary because it teaches all how to live with one another.
This also acts as a public filter
If you small talk with someone and they react positively (or at least don’t treat you weird) … then the person you are small talking to is a
decentRECEPTIVE person who is also open to a bit of communication.If you small talk with someone and they immediately treat you weird, walk away or just don’t want to deal with you … then chances are, it was a good thing you said something to eliminate any negative interaction.
EDIT: changed a word in my phrasing
Me: being socially anxious and going into panic stations when small talk begins.
Other person: it appears that this is not a decent person.
Yeah that actually happens. Saying “sorry I have social anxiety” as you dip out of the interaction surprisingly helps a lot.
Great tip, I’d be receptive
This is what a lot of people don’t get about small-talk, and OP’s image touches on it, it’s not about educating someone how trains work (looking at you fellow autists) it’s about playing a short game where you gauge each other’s receptiveness to friendliness or a desire to socialize. If your small-talk partner isn’t receptive, has nothing to say and seems disinterested, you take your leave. You say “Hey I gotta run, see ya around!” and just leave it at that.
(Guys, this is also how you talk to girls you don’t know, it’s literally the entirety of volumes of pickup artist bullshit condensed into one paragraph without any weird games or sexist bullshit. Just make small-talk, see if they want to engage back, AND THEN WALK THE FUCK AWAY if they’re icy to you. If they don’t respond, that doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you, and no you don’t get a second chance in this conversation, you will make it worse if you keep trying to talk to someone not interested. I am shocked how hard this is for so many guys to understand. And fully prepared to piss insecure midwits off with this factual take because it triggers SO many insecure people to talk about how to socialize properly.)
Preach. You get about a pleasant sentence and if you just get the momentary half smile or something you’re coolly moving on immediately.
Imagine saying people have walked away from you mid-talk and you believe others are the problem. Lmao.
Small talk is even harder in public if you are a big tall brown long haired Native Canadian man like me. I’m older now and I’m fully aware that I intimidate people at first glance. I’m not violent, or do or want to do aggressive things but if you saw me, chances are those are the first impressions that you would see.
In northern Ontario, Caucasian people are familiar with people like me and I can easily talk to most people, especially in rural areas. But if I talk to some young woman, I’m often treated like some kind of monster.
I’ve also been to Europe in Germany, France, Italy and Spain and over there it is even harder for me to conduct small talk … there’s a language barrier and on top of that I look like I do. No matter how modern people can be, there is always a level of racism when people encounter someone who doesn’t look like everyone else they know.
So to me … small talk is a public filter.
If I talk to someone and they don’t want to engage, I move on.
If I talk to someone and they treat me kindly and openly, I’ve met someone who will help me feel more comfortable in this strange world.
I don’t have a problem with any of what you said just now. Keep using it as a filter if it works for you.
I have a big problem with the insinuation that anyone that walks away is saying more about themselves than they are the person they’re talking to. It’s a two-way street. You’re passing judgement by essentially saying anyone who does not talk for any reason is indecent.
That’s what you were saying in your initial comment. And it’s clear you aren’t able to think that other people may have their own issues such as the purported anxiety, from another comment. That, to me, denotes a lack of empathy, putting yourself in their shoes.
Maybe they’ve had trauma before, from being approached on the street. Maybe they panic. Maybe they are having a bad day.
That none of these crossed your mind is what makes me angry about your stance of characterising everyone who chooses to talk as “decent”. You’re not even sure they are! It could be they want something from you, or they feel obligated, or they’re lying or feigning interest.
But because they fell into your preferred pattern of communication you judge them as “decent”.
If you can’t see how judging everyone around you for their own behaviour which does not affect you can come across as massively arrogant and full of yourself, then that just denotes even further arrogance.
Thanks for the insight … I’ve made a subtle change to my first comment to reflect what you said.
It was a poor choice of words and phrasing on my part … a lot of time I’m just off handedly commenting on things while doing something else and never think too much or too clearly about what I’m saying or commenting.
As an older man now … I do take time to gauge who I am talking to, especially young people, because I know social anxiety, being awkward and just being young makes it difficult for young people to do any kind of small talk. But I also do have to do it safely in a public setting where I can feel safe and the person I talk to can feel safe.
As you can see … small talk even in a public forum like this is a skill we have to learn.
If anything small talk is necessary because it teaches all how to live with one another.