The trick isn’t to say the most interesting thing in the room or ask interesting questions, it’s to be interested.
OK, but, like… I’m not interested. I have a strong interest in others viewing me nonthreateningly, because I have no interest in causing harm or taking advantage of others and would rather not be viewed suspiciously. But the actual mechanics of small talk are dull and uninteresting to me. I could walk through the motions, and generally do when I have to, but the kind of energy and attention it takes for me to do that while also being aware of anything else is exhausting. I’m perfectly happy being on the sidelines or simply not in attendance at all. I just want to be able to carry some sort of authentication or certificate that indicates “Normal People including Jeff T., Paul R., Caitlin P., Rilee L., and Jaime A. all vouch for me being safe and trustworthy. If you don’t know any of them, I can provide further references.”
I really appreciate you sharing this so openly. I want to say upfront that you’re not unusual for feeling this way. A lot of people find small talk draining, unnatural, or mildly stressful. You’re definitely not alone in that. It’s totally natural to struggle with the energy it takes.
And you’re right: you shouldn’t force yourself into situations that overwhelm you or pretend to be endlessly curious. Most people don’t naturally like small talk. For a lot of us, it’s something we get more comfortable with only through small, low-pressure repetitions.
But here’s the piece I think is worth considering, and the reason small talk is actually valuable even for people who don’t enjoy it:
small talk sends the exact signals you said you want people to receive.
You mentioned wishing you could carry a certificate saying “I’m safe; I’m trustworthy; you don’t need to be on guard around me.”
That’s exactly what small moments of casual conversation do.
Most people don’t build their sense of who’s safe through deep conversations. They build it through dozens of tiny, low-stakes interactions where someone shows calmness, presence, or a small bit of warmth. Small talk is the first rung on that ladder. It’s how people subconsciously decide:
“Okay, this person is normal.”
“This person is steady.”
“This person is okay to talk to.”
You don’t need big enthusiasm or real interest to start. Just the smallest signals. Each tiny exchange builds a little more ease for you, because people who feel safe around you treat you differently. That’s the payoff. That’s the value.
And practicing small talk bit by bit isn’t a chore so much as an investment. It’s a skill, one you grow into at your own pace. It quietly makes the rest of social life smoother, because the foundation becomes easier to lay. Even a brief moment of acknowledgment, a nod, a short comment, a simple reply, can be meaningful without draining you.
There’s no pressure to push past your limits. Comfort matters. But if you ever decide to experiment with very small doses, it can become a tool that supports you rather than exhausts you. And the good part is: it really does get easier the more tiny reps you get under your belt.
I, too, appreciate you doing this write-up. For my past, I have some decades under my belt, and I recognize that small talk accomplishes what you describe. My wanting to carry a “certificate” is precisely because small talk has never become natural to me, regardless of the (moderate) effort I’ve put in. It felt weird when I was a kid, and it’s continued to be so through all the years.
I’ve made some great friendships, and the ones that have lasted have been the folks who never really needed small talk from me. They get where I’m coming from, and (quite thoughtfully) most have done what they can to soften things when taking me into larger group settings.
Tangentially, it was quite later in my life than it should have been that I realized I almost never am the person to end a conversation, especially on the phone, barring for urgent matters or upcoming sppointments. I just stick in there doing my part until the other person has somewhere else to be, not because I’m enjoying myself, but because it never occurred to me that choosing to end the conversation for any reason other than actual need felt like I was breaking some protocol.
All this to say, it seems I missed the day in skills handouts when I was supposed to have a chance for any kind of knack at this. And I’m fine with that.
OK, but, like… I’m not interested. I have a strong interest in others viewing me nonthreateningly, because I have no interest in causing harm or taking advantage of others and would rather not be viewed suspiciously. But the actual mechanics of small talk are dull and uninteresting to me. I could walk through the motions, and generally do when I have to, but the kind of energy and attention it takes for me to do that while also being aware of anything else is exhausting. I’m perfectly happy being on the sidelines or simply not in attendance at all. I just want to be able to carry some sort of authentication or certificate that indicates “Normal People including Jeff T., Paul R., Caitlin P., Rilee L., and Jaime A. all vouch for me being safe and trustworthy. If you don’t know any of them, I can provide further references.”
I really appreciate you sharing this so openly. I want to say upfront that you’re not unusual for feeling this way. A lot of people find small talk draining, unnatural, or mildly stressful. You’re definitely not alone in that. It’s totally natural to struggle with the energy it takes.
And you’re right: you shouldn’t force yourself into situations that overwhelm you or pretend to be endlessly curious. Most people don’t naturally like small talk. For a lot of us, it’s something we get more comfortable with only through small, low-pressure repetitions.
But here’s the piece I think is worth considering, and the reason small talk is actually valuable even for people who don’t enjoy it: small talk sends the exact signals you said you want people to receive.
You mentioned wishing you could carry a certificate saying “I’m safe; I’m trustworthy; you don’t need to be on guard around me.” That’s exactly what small moments of casual conversation do.
Most people don’t build their sense of who’s safe through deep conversations. They build it through dozens of tiny, low-stakes interactions where someone shows calmness, presence, or a small bit of warmth. Small talk is the first rung on that ladder. It’s how people subconsciously decide:
You don’t need big enthusiasm or real interest to start. Just the smallest signals. Each tiny exchange builds a little more ease for you, because people who feel safe around you treat you differently. That’s the payoff. That’s the value.
And practicing small talk bit by bit isn’t a chore so much as an investment. It’s a skill, one you grow into at your own pace. It quietly makes the rest of social life smoother, because the foundation becomes easier to lay. Even a brief moment of acknowledgment, a nod, a short comment, a simple reply, can be meaningful without draining you.
There’s no pressure to push past your limits. Comfort matters. But if you ever decide to experiment with very small doses, it can become a tool that supports you rather than exhausts you. And the good part is: it really does get easier the more tiny reps you get under your belt.
I, too, appreciate you doing this write-up. For my past, I have some decades under my belt, and I recognize that small talk accomplishes what you describe. My wanting to carry a “certificate” is precisely because small talk has never become natural to me, regardless of the (moderate) effort I’ve put in. It felt weird when I was a kid, and it’s continued to be so through all the years.
I’ve made some great friendships, and the ones that have lasted have been the folks who never really needed small talk from me. They get where I’m coming from, and (quite thoughtfully) most have done what they can to soften things when taking me into larger group settings.
Tangentially, it was quite later in my life than it should have been that I realized I almost never am the person to end a conversation, especially on the phone, barring for urgent matters or upcoming sppointments. I just stick in there doing my part until the other person has somewhere else to be, not because I’m enjoying myself, but because it never occurred to me that choosing to end the conversation for any reason other than actual need felt like I was breaking some protocol.
All this to say, it seems I missed the day in skills handouts when I was supposed to have a chance for any kind of knack at this. And I’m fine with that.