When I (23M) was growing up, my parents hated whenever I locked my door for privacy. Like most adolescent boys, I had a libido and things that I liked to look at when I was taking care of that.
When I was 15, my dad would lean against my door every day to listen in. One day, he heard I was in the middle of it, and as quickly as possible, he picked the lock of my door and caught a glimpse of me watching some pretty crude and wacky rule 34 that was sorta ambiguously gendered. He immediately closed the door and retreated to his room. When I cleaned up and asked why he “knocked,” he said “nothing” with an unsettling smile.
7 years later, when I came out as passionately heterosexual because I finally figured out what my type was, he became very angry and told me I was REALLY a [f-slur], and he could prove it by revealing what he caught me watching all those years ago. I actually thought he would be glad to know how I turned out, but it seems that he, a conservative, was angry that I wasn’t queer.
Recently, my older brother got into my journal with all of my private thoughts. The first thing he read was the dozens of pages of sexual fantasies I wrote down for my sole enjoyment and reference. When I confronted him, he justified his intrusion into my most intimate thoughts with “God told me to do it.” He nitpicked my fantasies and told me that my openness to choosing my gender and sexual expression instead of forcing myself into the cishet box would inexplicably turn me into a pedophile. It seems that 5,000+ unfiltered words exhaustively proving my heterosexual attraction for strong mature women and wholesome consensual lovemaking style were not satisfactory. Not that any of it was ever his business.
I’m curious if others have have experienced this dynamic of family members violating someone to “test” their sexuality and look for evidence of deviance, or if this is a complete “WTF” situation that isn’t even a thing among most conservative households.
Even in conservative households, that’s weird. If your dad had blown up right there about the sinful things happining in the room, I’d get it more. What he actually did was inexplicable. And the older brother thing is just awful.
Since it was two incidents total, I won’t go straight for hell, though. Like maybe it was but I’d need more information.
Absolutely. This is not just some bible-thumping “you will burn for your sins if you don’t repent” stuff, otherwise the logical reaction would have been to have a serious conversation on the spot. I would have kind of understood that reaction, from a certain frame of reference, although I of course think it is wrong. But this is someone collecting blackmail material in his own imaginary world where things are what the voices tell them they are.
Run, don’t walk. Seriously.
Or maybe that was his plan, but he chickened out once it got too real? You’d expect it would still change things if he was at all homophobic, though. As it is, he acted like it didn’t happen until he thought he was being lied to and decided to pull it back out.
That is what I mean. Imagine being an otherwise decent person who just happens to strongly believe in the whole conservative-christian system of values. Wouldn’t you want to act on your son being potentially gay?
Or even if you convince yourself that it is better to sweep it under the rug for the sake of peace or something, wouldn’t that be something you take into the grave? And, secretly feel relieved if your son “came out” as straight to you? After all, your own son apparently managed to get back to the “right path”.
I am not a psychologist, and I believe that it is not appropriate to diagnose people who didn’t ask for a diagnosis. But the father has some serious issues, and for his own safety and sanity, I can only tell OP to run and CYA as best as possible in case the family lashes out.