When I (23M) was growing up, my parents hated whenever I locked my door for privacy. Like most adolescent boys, I had a libido and things that I liked to look at when I was taking care of that.
When I was 15, my dad would lean against my door every day to listen in. One day, he heard I was in the middle of it, and as quickly as possible, he picked the lock of my door and caught a glimpse of me watching some pretty crude and wacky rule 34 that was sorta ambiguously gendered. He immediately closed the door and retreated to his room. When I cleaned up and asked why he “knocked,” he said “nothing” with an unsettling smile.
7 years later, when I came out as passionately heterosexual because I finally figured out what my type was, he became very angry and told me I was REALLY a [f-slur], and he could prove it by revealing what he caught me watching all those years ago. I actually thought he would be glad to know how I turned out, but it seems that he, a conservative, was angry that I wasn’t queer.
Recently, my older brother got into my journal with all of my private thoughts. The first thing he read was the dozens of pages of sexual fantasies I wrote down for my sole enjoyment and reference. When I confronted him, he justified his intrusion into my most intimate thoughts with “God told me to do it.” He nitpicked my fantasies and told me that my openness to choosing my gender and sexual expression instead of forcing myself into the cishet box would inexplicably turn me into a pedophile. It seems that 5,000+ unfiltered words exhaustively proving my heterosexual attraction for strong mature women and wholesome consensual lovemaking style were not satisfactory. Not that any of it was ever his business.
I’m curious if others have have experienced this dynamic of family members violating someone to “test” their sexuality and look for evidence of deviance, or if this is a complete “WTF” situation that isn’t even a thing among most conservative households.
Your parents sound nuts. Sorry you had love with that, dude. I had some different but not all that different stuff as a kid, and therapy has been a really useful tool for unpacking those experiences and turning them into something a bit more useful. Would highly recommend it if you haven’t tried yet. Shit so cash
What has therapy been like for you? I’ve never done therapy before, and I’m kind of worried they’ll try to criticize and gaslight me into playing nice with people who I’m 90% sure are narcissists or try to get me to ignore the limitations that my health problems give me. (But then again, I can’t help but notice that I was socially conditioned to expect shame, punishment, and destructive guidance if I ask for help.)
You are 100% allowed to ask for a different therapist, and tell them honestly what about the first one didn’t work for you.
Think of them as someone you hire, like a construction contractor building a new addition for you. If they do a bad job for your needs, fire them and hire someone else, just like you would if they disregarded your hypothetical missing leg while designing the layout, and gave you lots of stairs. Stairs don’t help you, even if they might be fine or even desired for someone else, just like a therapist who would criticize you or try to gaslight you isn’t helpful to you.
It might take a few tries, but it’s definitely worth it to find the right person if it’s not the first one.
My first ever therapist was super religious, and told me that it was better for me to be bored and vaguely unhappy in my relationship than to be alone (I’m a woman so that’s not the first time I’d heard that drivel…). She also told me I need to at least be spiritual, or I’d never get over my depression (incidentally went away when the relationship did… funny, that…) I was raised without religion, and her comment about my relationship gave me the ick, so I found a different one. And that one was a lot better.
You’ve got some excellent replies to this question already. I want to add something a therapist told me about therapy that I’ve found helpful.
Therapy isn’t about fixing everything that’s “wrong”. It’s mostly about identifying coping mechanisms we developed during childhood which no longer work for us as adults. Different techniques are used to help clients start opening up to doing therapeutic work or starting it in earnest. The goal though, regardless of the technique, is for the client to know themselves better and use that knowledge to build better emotional and social tools. To replace the coping mechanisms we’ve outgrown with better ones.
A comparison I’ve made is that therapy is like working with an occupational therapist. What’s “best” is conditional and is often usefully defined by what we find difficult or limiting. The best way to pick up something we’ve dropped varies person to person. The important bit is having healthy ways of picking it up again (with or without direct assistance).
Therapy ought to focus on self-understanding which helps us function in reality. In my experience most modern therapists advocate for this even if they aren’t forward about it.
Any therapist who councils you to capitulate to narcissists or ignore your disability should be reported to the relevant licensing authority for negligence at a minimum.
Very late to answering this it seems, but basically him and I just discuss things about my life while he chimes in with different perspectives and advice (when appropriate). Each session is a bit different tho and sometimes he’ll give me “homework” if he thinks I’m struggling to see certain ideas from certain angles. This sometimes means a worksheet and it sometimes means asking myself a certain question or questions when I notice myself or others behaving in certain ways.
Hated that shit at first, but it’s actually kind of fun to peel back the layers and learn something new through it these days. Usually. Sometimes I forget and he will occassionally get a bit more direct about what he was trying to insinuate me toward, because a good therapist puts in the effort to meet you where you need to be met, while still pushing you to raise yourself up a little higher each day.
The first time I tried therapy was a different story (they were very presumptuous and certain of their correctness on these presumptions, basically. The exact kind of person that I tend to find incredibly annoying and unhelpful) so it was only a couple sessions with them before I decided it was just a really bad match and got tf out of there. Like others have said, the option to disconnect and try again with a different professional is always there, too. Sometimes, it is very necessary to take advantage of that.
That last line in your comment could potentially be a great jumping off point were you to try therapy. Making it clear what you fear about it right along with what you hope it could help with; that’s a great place to kick things off with a level-headed and helpfully-inclined talk therapist. And many of them (tho def not all) are offering exactly that.
Best of luck with whatever comes next for you, stranger!
I grew up in a crazy Christian environment, really messed with me for a long time. Go to therapy. You don’t have to stick with the first person you try, and it took me a few to find the right person to just click with. But you’re gonna need to talk this shit out. It’ll be rough, but worth it in the end. A good therapist will listen and ask questions, but they’re not going to make you do anything, least of all make ammends with people who are a bad influence on your life. You got this.
This.
They’re always gentle in my experience, even when they’re trying to get you to question something you’ve assumed. Maybe they will say you should give people more of a chance, once they get to know your situation. But, if you just say no, worst case scenario they won’t have any other ideas. And I can’t imagine they’d tell you to deliberately hang around a narcissist.
Alternately, a lot of the most useful things they told me are things I hadn’t even considered, so maybe you’ll be surprised.
I second the therapy, did wonders having grown up in a very similar environment to you. You definitely need to find the right therapist as the others said. Took me three to find the right one and my wife is on her fifth (but has been with that therapist for a while now).
You need to know what you want out of the therapy and be clear about yourself and willing to do the work. And yes, avoid Christian counselors
Bruh. Try therapy. Air those very concerns if you’re worried about them.
The way I like to think about therapy is you’re paying for access to a second brain, a well-trained one, to help you think through stuff. A good therapist guides you instead of leading you.
Yes, therapists actually seem to love it when you tell them about your feelings about therapy.