Lemmy isn’t as accepting as this suggests. I get downvoted (rejected) by the queer community here every time I talk about my asexuality. Apparently I don’t qualify because I wasn’t born asexual and became ace through childhood trauma. So I’m back to having no sexuality at all. I’m just an empty vessel. A void. It was nice to experience the perception of acceptance for a little while, at least.
Hey, hugs. I feel like the Blåhaj instance peeps in general are pretty accepting. If there’s anything you wanna talk about, I’m all ears! I’m part of the queer community as well, I don’t hear much often sadly about asexual folk.
Very true, maybe I just mentioned in the wrong place. The way it’s handled it especially hurtful. I’m also autistic, and people will ghost me instead of explaining the issue with our relationship. They never bother explaining the issue, they just vanish.
No one bothered to explain the reason they were downvoting me. Not a single comment, just downvotes. Eventually, in the midst of a panic attack (losing your identity shortly after receiving it will do that), I asked why I was being rejected. I only know about the “not born asexual” thing because someone finally included an explanation with their downvote.
The “born this way” trope seems to be something that the media pushes a lot, and it’s wrong. Being able frame queerness as being not-by-choice helps some people give themselves permission to be queer. Anyone who is gatekeeping your identity is not an ally. Your identity is yours to do with as you please. If you’ve always been ace and only now are realizing it, great, that’s yours to determine. If you’re deciding that your identity now is ace and previously was something else, it’s your prerogative. The ability to grow and change is powerful.
Yeah I’ve always taken issue with “born this way” rhetoric because it doesn’t align with how gender identity works, particularly with people who’s identity constantly changes, or for people who’s identity changes with time.
The rhetoric about being “born this way” or that it’s “in your genes” is very easy to abuse in order to claim someone is “faking their identity” or otherwise not valid. Which is unacceptable.
Side note: I do not think it is productive or good for people to engage in discussions or discourse about people faking gender identity or orientation. The idea of people faking identity or attraction is actually really reductive and stupid, and gives credence to the idea that some people aren’t valid. If someone identifies a certain way you should respect them by virtue of how they identify even if their presentation deviates from the norm greatly.
Also I’ve heard the “born this way” or “in your genes” arguments used to reinforce claims that someone is not the orientation they say they are. I’ve seen it used in bi-erasure to argue a bisexual person is gay. I’ve also seen (and experienced) it being used to say someone isn’t the gender identity they identify as. This one is especially shitty to experience, it is essentially intentional misgendering, under the guise of helping.
I took the liberty to look through your comments (because I am surprised this could happen here). Are you referring to this comment (thread) here: https://lemmy.world/comment/22163882
If so and if you’re in a good mood/healthy headspace, take a moment to re-read it again.
Now, I can’t see what the person responded to exactly but to me they seemed genuinely respectful and polite. I’d perhaps strike out the word “effectively” but else wouldn’t really change a thing in that comment. I don’t think they intended to reject you, or worse, take away your identity, at all.
Also, if I had to guess: Most downvotes of the original comment probably came not from people who denied your identity but people who thought your comment seemed rude/too negative.
As a last thing: I suggest turning off (the visibility of) downvotes in your Lemmy client. I think most of them have such a setting somewhere. It’s not really worth having them activated if they can cause such strong distress (nor do I believe anyone would want you to feel this way if they downvote you).
By the way, this comment is not meant to reject/invalidate you either. It’s only my personal view and it might be partially or fully wrong - which is why I used phrasing like “probably”, “seem”, “I think”, and “I believe” to convey subjectivity.
That response was the explanation I was referring to, yes. I’m the one who upvoted it because it was a nice explanation. I deleted the comment I made that this was responding to. I’m pretty sure I’ve already deleted my own comments that sparked these exchanges, so you’ll only be able to find responses.
I tend to delete anything that causes me anxiety, both because the existence of the comment is causing me distress and also because I’m perpetually misunderstood. It always “feels” like I’m to blame for these stressful situations even when I know I’m not responsible.
The comms I’ve had this issue with always upvote my initial comment declaring my asexuality and then downvote the comment where I talk about trauma. Even without explanation that strikes me as a clear rejection.
Thanks for looking into this, I’m a little shocked someone took the time. It’s appreciated.
Ah, alright then. I only really found this thread so I didn’t know this has happened multiple times.
I can’t really help you with managing your anxiety, but I do have one piece of unsolicited advice: Since you are likely more sensitive with regards to your trauma (I mean, it’s somewhat impossible not to be), you could try to limit talking about it to safe® spaces, like queer communities or instances, in either of which you are less likely to be hurt/rejected.
But regardless, it should be pretty apparent by now that sexual trauma can affect sexuality in various ways. Like, I recall hearing of bisexual people who were sexually abused and lost parts of their attraction to their abuser’s gender. That should be fairly intuitive to most, it’s disappointing that people don’t treat your case the same.
Lemmy is much less focused on points, and doesn’t really have karma like reddit. I would try to just ignore the upvotes/downvotes, they’re meaningless.
this reminds me of a friend with the same situation. one time we were in highschool, talking about sexuality and he said he was asexual, but wasn’t born that way and some random girl just came out of nowhere saying that he was wrong and that people are born asexual. it was weird
Sexuality is a fluid and ever changing thing in life.
Some people find their groove later in life, some find it early, some people it changes with time, some it’s a constant.
And the same applies to romantic attraction as well. Edit: Hell it even applies to gender!
Everyone is different, we’ve just got rough definitions for categories of people. Sometimes those definitions fit like a glove, sometimes they fit like a tarp, and sometimes they’re too restrictive to be useful.
All we can do is try to accept one another for who we are and as long as we can all agree to do that we’ll get along just fine. Some people really don’t realize this or even make an attempt to and it’s depressing as hell.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. That is a shitty reason for someone to reject you. Just FYI for anyone else seeing this sexual-fluidity is valid and people don’t need to have been born a certain way to be asexual, or gay, or bi. Attraction can change with time or circumstance.
![Belonging [Rule]](https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/pictrs/image/1b5b5a43-081d-4a89-8db4-685cc43a43ff.webp){kind=link}
Lemmy isn’t as accepting as this suggests. I get downvoted (rejected) by the queer community here every time I talk about my asexuality. Apparently I don’t qualify because I wasn’t born asexual and became ace through childhood trauma. So I’m back to having no sexuality at all. I’m just an empty vessel. A void. It was nice to experience the perception of acceptance for a little while, at least.
Hey, hugs. I feel like the Blåhaj instance peeps in general are pretty accepting. If there’s anything you wanna talk about, I’m all ears! I’m part of the queer community as well, I don’t hear much often sadly about asexual folk.
The fediverse is not a monolith. I would be pretty surprised to see people on this instance (blahaj) downvote you for talking about being asexual.
You can block the shitty communities that do.
Very true, maybe I just mentioned in the wrong place. The way it’s handled it especially hurtful. I’m also autistic, and people will ghost me instead of explaining the issue with our relationship. They never bother explaining the issue, they just vanish.
No one bothered to explain the reason they were downvoting me. Not a single comment, just downvotes. Eventually, in the midst of a panic attack (losing your identity shortly after receiving it will do that), I asked why I was being rejected. I only know about the “not born asexual” thing because someone finally included an explanation with their downvote.
The “born this way” trope seems to be something that the media pushes a lot, and it’s wrong. Being able frame queerness as being not-by-choice helps some people give themselves permission to be queer. Anyone who is gatekeeping your identity is not an ally. Your identity is yours to do with as you please. If you’ve always been ace and only now are realizing it, great, that’s yours to determine. If you’re deciding that your identity now is ace and previously was something else, it’s your prerogative. The ability to grow and change is powerful.
Yeah I’ve always taken issue with “born this way” rhetoric because it doesn’t align with how gender identity works, particularly with people who’s identity constantly changes, or for people who’s identity changes with time. The rhetoric about being “born this way” or that it’s “in your genes” is very easy to abuse in order to claim someone is “faking their identity” or otherwise not valid. Which is unacceptable.
Side note: I do not think it is productive or good for people to engage in discussions or discourse about people faking gender identity or orientation. The idea of people faking identity or attraction is actually really reductive and stupid, and gives credence to the idea that some people aren’t valid. If someone identifies a certain way you should respect them by virtue of how they identify even if their presentation deviates from the norm greatly.
Also I’ve heard the “born this way” or “in your genes” arguments used to reinforce claims that someone is not the orientation they say they are. I’ve seen it used in bi-erasure to argue a bisexual person is gay. I’ve also seen (and experienced) it being used to say someone isn’t the gender identity they identify as. This one is especially shitty to experience, it is essentially intentional misgendering, under the guise of helping.
I took the liberty to look through your comments (because I am surprised this could happen here). Are you referring to this comment (thread) here: https://lemmy.world/comment/22163882
If so and if you’re in a good mood/healthy headspace, take a moment to re-read it again.
Now, I can’t see what the person responded to exactly but to me they seemed genuinely respectful and polite. I’d perhaps strike out the word “effectively” but else wouldn’t really change a thing in that comment. I don’t think they intended to reject you, or worse, take away your identity, at all.
Also, if I had to guess: Most downvotes of the original comment probably came not from people who denied your identity but people who thought your comment seemed rude/too negative.
As a last thing: I suggest turning off (the visibility of) downvotes in your Lemmy client. I think most of them have such a setting somewhere. It’s not really worth having them activated if they can cause such strong distress (nor do I believe anyone would want you to feel this way if they downvote you).
By the way, this comment is not meant to reject/invalidate you either. It’s only my personal view and it might be partially or fully wrong - which is why I used phrasing like “probably”, “seem”, “I think”, and “I believe” to convey subjectivity.
That response was the explanation I was referring to, yes. I’m the one who upvoted it because it was a nice explanation. I deleted the comment I made that this was responding to. I’m pretty sure I’ve already deleted my own comments that sparked these exchanges, so you’ll only be able to find responses.
I tend to delete anything that causes me anxiety, both because the existence of the comment is causing me distress and also because I’m perpetually misunderstood. It always “feels” like I’m to blame for these stressful situations even when I know I’m not responsible.
The comms I’ve had this issue with always upvote my initial comment declaring my asexuality and then downvote the comment where I talk about trauma. Even without explanation that strikes me as a clear rejection.
Thanks for looking into this, I’m a little shocked someone took the time. It’s appreciated.
Ah, alright then. I only really found this thread so I didn’t know this has happened multiple times.
I can’t really help you with managing your anxiety, but I do have one piece of unsolicited advice: Since you are likely more sensitive with regards to your trauma (I mean, it’s somewhat impossible not to be), you could try to limit talking about it to safe® spaces, like queer communities or instances, in either of which you are less likely to be hurt/rejected.
But regardless, it should be pretty apparent by now that sexual trauma can affect sexuality in various ways. Like, I recall hearing of bisexual people who were sexually abused and lost parts of their attraction to their abuser’s gender. That should be fairly intuitive to most, it’s disappointing that people don’t treat your case the same.
Lemmy is much less focused on points, and doesn’t really have karma like reddit. I would try to just ignore the upvotes/downvotes, they’re meaningless.
this reminds me of a friend with the same situation. one time we were in highschool, talking about sexuality and he said he was asexual, but wasn’t born that way and some random girl just came out of nowhere saying that he was wrong and that people are born asexual. it was weird
Sexuality is a fluid and ever changing thing in life.
Some people find their groove later in life, some find it early, some people it changes with time, some it’s a constant.
And the same applies to romantic attraction as well. Edit: Hell it even applies to gender!
Everyone is different, we’ve just got rough definitions for categories of people. Sometimes those definitions fit like a glove, sometimes they fit like a tarp, and sometimes they’re too restrictive to be useful.
All we can do is try to accept one another for who we are and as long as we can all agree to do that we’ll get along just fine. Some people really don’t realize this or even make an attempt to and it’s depressing as hell.
That’s awful. I’m sorry. I see you, fellow ace.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. That is a shitty reason for someone to reject you. Just FYI for anyone else seeing this sexual-fluidity is valid and people don’t need to have been born a certain way to be asexual, or gay, or bi. Attraction can change with time or circumstance.