Every time I see that little red number in my inbox, my first thought is: Did I mess up? My brain jumps to the worst-case scenario—maybe I said something controversial, and now everyone’s correcting me and downvoting my stupid comments. Even though, most of the time, the messages are actually helpful and fun, that number still triggers some sort of insecurity and anxiety. The bigger it gets, the louder my worries grow.
Logically, I know I don’t screw up that often, and most feedback is neutral or even positive. But deep down, my insecure monkey brain panics at the thought of being wrong—or worse, publicly called out. Even when I’m right, the number still makes my stress levels spike up. What if people disagree with me? What if they don’t like what I wrote?
And yes, I see the irony in posting this. Writing about it is basically asking for it and feeding the very anxiety I’m trying to ignore. Maybe it’s my version of exposure therapy.
“Oh here we go. Why do I keep posting honest takes on things instead of getting a feel for the general vibe and blindly agreeing with the majority?”
I feel this comment acutely.
If I blindly agreed with everyone, I probably would be dead, having killed myself from the lack of moral obligation and common decency this species seems to be deficient in. I’m only sticking around because I feel like this is the end of the Anthropocene and I want to witness it. Is that honest enough for ya?
Try mentioning that you’re a Christian that despises the GOP.
All they hear is Christian and the comments begin.
Some times you just roll the dice and see what happens. Make a risky comment of the day, pay the price, get back up again and do the same thing next week. Basically, just spread your unpopular opinions in places that weren’t designated for it.
I’ve burned my fingers a few times, but also found some unexpected supporters. Write a teasing remark about a particular group, and you’ll find that everyone hates you and you get downvoted to oblivion. Say the same thing in a different place, and all you get is upvotes and comments that go even further than you did. It’s a dangerous game for those who like to live dangerously.
Blindly agree with the majority if you want to play it safe. Not a very spicy way to live your life, but I can see the appeal of it.
More like a resigned sigh and wondering which comment pissed off the tankies this time.
At least one of those notifications will be calling you a liberal.
Its funny when you get called “fascist” by tankies, but also get called “communist” by the conservatives.
Then Reactionary by jai.lu
Yeah, but you don’t respect those pissed off commenters, so it’s easier to distance yourself from them. Maybe that’s my problem. I don’t usually try to be abrasive enough to cause such reactions, so I take each comment more seriously than I should.
Knowing how to be abrasive is a very useful social skill, I think.
I saw a YouTube video from this guy who just liked to yap and tell stories. He was friends with a trans man, though I don’t think he knew at the time. Probably figured it out at some point, but it never changed their relationship. They were just best buds.
Well anyway, this trans man passed away, and the youtuber went to his funeral. The guy’s deadname was all over the memorial display. They’d prettied him up to look more feminine. Even clothed his body in a dress, I think. People gave eulogies about her memory, her significance, her this, her that.
The youtuber (and this was all before he was even on youtube, by the way) finally had his turn to go up and give a eulogy. He went up and said a few words about his friend, and then absolutely laid into these people for their callousness; for barely understanding who this guy, the deceased, even was; for amending his history and mourning only the parts of him they could actually stomach. And then he left. Not much point in staying in the service after that.
Being able to do things like that, though, requires some emotional strength. It’s a skill you have to practice. That youtuber wasn’t the only one there who felt that way, but he was the only one to say anything.
That was a pretty good example. He was defending a minority by being abrasive towards those who just go with the flow and perpetuate injustice. If some people got offended, they got what they deserve.
Same, or a holier than thou comment, or a gatekeeper which is the most annoying because they can get passive aggressive
Nah, I like seeing big numbers in the notification box. Monkey brain likes big numbers going up. And it feeds my validation, that my comment is important enough for people to respond to.
Yes, but what if they’re also infuriating enough. I have very mixed feelings about that number.
I get this a little bit too, like “oh god, did I just kick a hornet’s nest?” but at the end of the day it’s just people on a forum giving their takes while having a dump, if I say the wrong shit I’ll stand corrected and otherwise if it’s trolls, fuck em.
Yep. That’s like the rational side of my brain talking. The emotional monkey side just panics anyway even though there’s nothing to worry about.
You guys are seeing big numbers in your notification box?
Normally it’s like 0-2. On days when I write more actively, it gets a bit higher. If I happen to drop a comment in a popular thread at the right time, it can suddenly jump to 3-5, and that’s when I start to worry. Did I cross some line I wasn’t aware of, or maybe I was just at the right place at the right time. Who knows. 🤷 It’s probably ok, but my subconscious mind immediately jumps to conclusions, naturally expecting the worst.
Nope!
Oh wow! So you never ever mark them read, or how did that happen?
I had a decent stretch where I was just making comments and expected them to get bad replies, or I didn’t really have the space to care about any replies I got, so I stopped checking obsessively and they built up. I’m in my 30s with a wife, a toddler, and a job that alternates between “oh god you need to lock the fuck in for 8 hours straight” and “you’re being paid to be here if something happens”. I also have had some big life shit happen in the time since I started using lemmy that would pull me away from checking/responding.
Then I had some replies mentioning things I wanted to look into later, so those I made sure to keep as unread.
More recently, I find that I use my own profile’s comment page and the upvotes and downvotes on any of my comments in there to get an idea of what I’m about to walk into. Also helps remind me what the fuck I posted in the first place. So any replies I interact with that way don’t get marked as read either.
Kind of like email, once it passes something like 20 or 30 unread the count just kind of becomes visual noise.
That visual noise angle is true though. Once the number grows beyond a certain point, it looses all meaning. Might as well disable the red dot entirely, since it serves no purpose any more.
BTW “save for later” is a thing. I use that when I want to get back to something.
Can relate to being overwhelmed with the job and personal stuff
I just wanted to say, it seems at least you got your priorities straight.
Personally I just can’t stop caring about every little shit thing - even while being in survival mode
And yes, I’m completely burned out
Need to get my priorities straight as well
Sometimes I’ll be super active commenting and posting on lemmy and it actually gains traction and the next day I’m like “what have I done?!”
Yeah, that’s a familiar feeling. One evening, you find interesting things to write about, and the next morning you have a stack of replies from the other side of the world.
Most I’ve ever had is 1-2. Guess I’m not that interesting.
I think you’re somewhat interesting.
I appreciate your kind words.
The number of comments, likes, upvotes, responses and other metrics rarely tell you about how interesting you and your comments are. Let’s say there’s a post with 100 upvotes, and the top comment has like 50 upvotes. If you drop a comment there, you can expect to get 10-30 upvotes. Not more than 50, because the the parent comment already has 50. In some rare cases, the child comment can get more upvotes than the parent, but don’t count on it.
You are still a wonderful person even if you get only a handful of comments or upvotes. Even if you got zero, that doesn’t change who you are or how good your comments are. These metrics usually tell you something about the time and place of the comment.
The content matters too, but to a lesser extent. If the comment is all middle fingers, don’t expect many upvotes. Although, there are always exceptions. Posting the classic “fuck spez” is the kind of hostility people can get behind.
I should add “fuck spez” at the end of all my posts just in case. :p
That makes me miss the old forum days where everyone had some fancy bonus text (a signature) at the bottom of each post. Why don’t we have signatures any more on any platform? Was it really such a bad idea that it died with the forums?
Hi, I just wanted to make your inbox go bling. You didn’t mess up and I hope you have a nice day.
Thanks. The number is already a bit overwhelming. Hopefully, I’ll get better at handling that feeling.
Hell no.
The reason I post here is to discuss things with people like things.
Coming from reddit where I used to post on big current affairs subs there isn’t really anything comparable here.
I comment to put my opinion across and also to be challenged. It takes me a long time to change my mind on something but it’s only by hearing opposing views that it ever happens. In the meantime I generally enjoy defending my position and that’s what I’m here for. It’s a different perspective from yours but if a bunch of people disagree with me I don’t think that I’m “being corrected” I think “my correct opinion is in the minority here.”
Sometimes I do get a feeling of “here we go again”, that’s all
You’re approaching it in a more sensible way, and I prefer that style too. It’s just that my immediate emotional response to seeing the number is not in line with that sort of thinking. Most of the comments are totally harmless, so why worry so much. Some part of my mind just does irrational things.
Well, I hope your exposure therapy works!
So far, so good. We’ll see how that works out when I wake up tomorrow and look at a mountain of unread notifications. People on the other side of the planet tend surprise me.
Humblebrag.
Who cares what people on lemmy think about you or your opinions? I’d rather hear your honest opinion I disagree with than hear you agree with everybody else
Agreed. I prefer this place to be a spot where you can disagree. I learn a lot from disagreements.
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It’s true that the opinions and comments don’t matter. At the end of the day, they’re just meaningless internet points and text that will be lost when the disk of my instance eventually gets formatted or when bit rot gradually eats them away.
However, that’s not how my social monkey brain feels about it. Some primitive part of me that ignores all logic and reason clings to the notion of social acceptance and shivers at the mere thought of rejection. Can’t disable that sort of thinking. Seems to be a hard-coded part of a function or something.
Not necessarily anxiety, but yeah usually my first thought is, “Oh shit, what ignorant thing did I say now?”
Yeah, anxiety is a pretty strong word, but feeling worried is what I’m really talking about. You know, that uncomfortable feeling that you may have said something wrong and you’re worried about what people might say. It’s in the the same general direction as anxiety, but nowhere near as extreme as actual clinical anxiety. Maybe “worrying for nothing” is a more fitting expression for this thing.
Yup. Usually don’t get much replies between checking, so if it’s more than 2, I worry. Probably doesn’t help that I have done the thing where I accidentally say something that a reasonable person would interpret quite differently than my intended message and reasonably got dogpiled because of it.
Finally someone who agrees with me and validates my fragile ego and childish vulnerabilities. Thanks. You made my day!
Usually, my inbox has like 1 or 2 replies, but anything bigger than that makes me think I must have screwed up somehow. For whaever reason, it just doesn’t cross my mind that all those comments could be neutral or even positive.
Well there’s another stressful element that even if they are mostly positive or asking for further information, it’s still a pile of “work I gotta do.”
But remember, you don’t actually have to respond to them. You can just click all the little check marks and move on. If you don’t like what they said, there’s always the down arrow. Or the up to acknowledge their support.
I don’t, for instance, expect any kind of reply from you.
If it helps, remember that a ton of downvotes will knock your comment right off most people’s feed. And unlike the R place, that number isn’t going to follow you around forever.
If you’re being misinterpreted, you can always add an edit, see if it helps.
In any case, Lemmy is a place for discussion. If you have responses, that means you contributed to the conversation. You didn’t mess up. Even if you were completely Wrong, it gives an opportunity for lots of other people to post the Correction.
Yeah, I try to think about the number in a more neutral/positive way, even though my initial emotional reaction could be less helpful. You’re absolutely right that those are also opportunities to learn.
That’s actually one of the best things about Lemmy, and even Reddit to some extent. Let’s say you think you know something about a specific topic (like maps, steam locomotives, pharmacology or whatever), because you read an article about it 5 years ago. You write a short comment based on what you think you know, and then someone with a PhD in underwater basket weaving corrects you, because you didn’t get half the details right. That should be taken as an opportunity, but it doesn’t always feel like that. Even when the comment is helpful and friendly, I still know I screwed up. It’s not a big deal, but my feelings aren’t rational about these things.
