Or a guy rap*ng a child then murder it. No way that was real, he simply landed in this garden orgy and joined in. Deciding, orgies are nice, gotta protect the homies.
You guys, the best Jesus stories aren’t in the Bible. Look up the “Apocrypha” to get a list of these books.
In one, a schoolboy aged Jesus kills a kid and then brings him back to life, just to be a show-off little shit. He did plenty of sinning himself.
Wild, wild stuff, including lots of stories about Jesus’ childhood.
That’s… not a thought I was prepared to have today 💀
Jesus be like “oh god they’re gettin creative”
Bold of you to assume that was a sin
Jesus can get off his high horse. I bet he has a sordid browser history himself.
Judea had no age of consent i did nothing wrong!
-Jesus
Mostly feet.
John 13:4-7:
so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?” Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
Giggity
Hell, what about Mark 14:51. What was Jesus doing with this naked guy on the night he was betrayed?
(45 So when he came, he went up to him at once and said, “Rabbi!” and kissed him. 46 Then they laid hands on him and arrested him. 47 But one of those who stood near drew his sword and struck the slave of the high priest, cutting off his ear. 48 Then Jesus said to them, “Have you come out with swords and clubs to arrest me as though I were a rebel? 49 Day after day I was with you in the temple teaching, and you did not arrest me. But let the scriptures be fulfilled.” 50 All of them deserted him and fled.)
51 A certain young man was following him, wearing nothing but a linen cloth. They caught hold of him, 52 but he left the linen cloth and ran off naked.
naked guy
Neaniskos in the original Greek, not just a boy but a little boy
Rope play/shibari, for sure.
Nah after that he just wanted to die…
You know, it’s kind of refreshing to think that somebody tried to think of the most horrific sexual perversion imaginable, and could only come up with Waluigi hentai.
c/wholesome
The hardest thing to do is invent an entirely new perversion.
I put 2 rats, a clove of garlic and a 1/4 cup of heavy cream in my Ninja blender, then funnel the resulting mixture into my ass while an obese clown massages my taint.
I think the bloodhound gang is still ahead of you on that one.
Also, how is that a sin?
You’re not supposed to have fun. Also you need to make a baby with every sperm. As explained by the Great Sages here:
It won’t load for me, but I assume this will link to Monty Python’s “Every Sperm is Sacred”?
It is. I changed it now. Maybe you want to try again?
Not working for me either.
It is central to most major religions the need to control the sex lives of their followers.
The Bible doesn’t say that masturbation is a sin, but since Christianity is a religion, they cannot permit their followers to control their own sex lives.
As a result, most sexual expression is considered a sin, and they will use any excuses or lies possible to make sure it stays that way.
To add to this, the most closely related passage in the bible is in Genesis 38, where this guy Onan was ordered to have children with his brother’s widow so the child could inherit his brother’s estate.
This seems to me a bit outside your usual family obligations, and so did the guy because while he engaged in sexual intercourse, he “spilled his seed” on the ground to avoid fulfilling this familial duty.
God didn’t think much of that and killed him on the spot.
The tale is usually linked more to the “sin” of contraception, but it seems like a much more pragmatic story: it’s best you knock up your brother’s widow than have everyone start a war over the spoils.
his brother’s widow
Tamar is an interesting character in her own right, and worthy of being named.
After this, she’s supposed to marry Judah’s (Onna’s dad’s) third son, but considering he just lost two, he doesn’t want it to go through. He sends her home to her parents and blows her off when she asks when the marriage is going to happen. (The Bible has a lot of verses about leaving parts of your field unharvested for widows. Not having a husband = hellish poverty.)
She eventually gets fed up with this, disguises herself as a temple prostitute, Judah shows up, has sex with her, and gives her a family emblem as an IOU.
Later, she ends up pregnant, so the village elders drag her before Judah for punishment (he’s her father-in-law still technically.) They are going to put her to death, and Judah asks her who knocked her up. She produces his family emblem, and he has to be “well, you got me, I guess I have to take care of you.
I always read it as being about defying the law (backed by divine enforcement):
His father commanded him to “… fulfill [his] duty to her as a brother-in-law to raise up offspring for [his] brother”, which implies that this was considered a legitimate obligation. His transgression, then, was that he pulled out “to keep from providing offspring for his brother”, actively refusing to fulfill that obligation. In that reading, it’s a tale about obeying the orders and customs of your elders.
Of course, these don’t have to be exclusive: “These norms exist for a reason, so you should damn well obey them.”
And the Lord sayeth, “creampie your sister-in-law or I’ll fucking kill you.”
This seems to me a bit outside your usual family obligations
It was actually the law to do that, IIRC. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yibbum
Fun fact: In the Indigenous Australian society I’m most familiar with, if you’re a man and your brother dies, his wife is now your wife, and you have his familial obligations. This is to ensure that his family will be cared for.
They probably could have thought of worse, but then it goes from being funny to being depressing.
There are produced movies with far more sinister perversions than that.
The actual worst thing is probably known to and performed by a select few.
I was going to take a stab at guessing, but I realized I was doing too good a job and decided not to make anybody else read that.
He was probably relieved when the next sin would come up and would just be waluigi hentai again. In fact it was most likely waluigi hentai that made him reconsider when he was about to give up on humanity. Who knows?
Jesus only saw Every Sin SO FAR…
This depends on what sect of Christianity you believe in. If you’re one that believes that everything is already predetermined, than yeah, this Jesus character would have seen everything to come, in regards of sin. If you don’t believe in a predetermined life, than you would have probably carried a huge burden of guilt for something that you never knew was true or not. But the people around you kept on speaking as if it was true, even though they wouldn’t or couldn’t provide solid evidence of such a thing happening.
Anyway… Do your best to be a good person, treat people how you would want to be treated, and don’t hold religion to be, the end all be all of life, as we know it. No one can fully prove or disprove the existence or absence of a deity or deities.
I can only get off by pretending he’s real and watching me getting off whether alone or otherwise. “Fuck yeah Jesus, watch me cum. Don’t look away! Look in my eyes while I cum!”
i believe in the one where on a hill named golgotha jesus exploded into a shower of low quality wine (we really have gotten a lot better at wine since jesus) and crackers that the vatican has been trying to bury in a cave for millenia. it’s in mark 16 or something.
i don’t worship that one, i just believe in that one. it’s more fun.
It being predetermined doesn’t necessarily decrease the anxiety. For example, you might just be one of the unelect, destined for hell.
Right, but Jesus is also God, so why would he need to “see” the things he’s already well aware of?
Oh that’s right, none of it makes any sense.
He liked what he saw so much, so that he made a sacrifice for the beautiful things to continue their existence.
“Wait that’s gonna be an option?!? I’ve got to protect that!” - Jesus probably when he discovered his kink in the garden.
You’re assuming beating your dick to Waluigi railing Luigi in the ass is sinful
It shouldnt be. True love of consenting adult fictional characters can never be wrong.
Jesus Christ
Yes. Very good.
He could have been a giant sinning pervert himself, so he’s just saving his own.
Which commandments does it even violate?
I’m not religious but I find it funny how offended all the die hard atheists are because of religious rules. It’s symbols. Maybe the core of those is just to guide one through life with sound advice like endless desire and excess won’t lead to fulfilment and cause suffering like the well beloved bhudda says. Just because your relatives were religious nuts doesn’t mean it’s all pure mind control bullshit.
It is pure mind control though. You can argue that peaceful and civilized societies need individuals who repress and restrict themselves, morally or otherwise, to survive. But that doesn’t change the fact that religion is a mechanism to indoctrinate and assimilate repression. Pure and simple.
Waluigi?
I’m too scared to look it up
Kept it fairly PG for you:
You’ll technically be “fine,” considering the image description is intended for comedic effect.
