A cross, I just like the design. I was told I was a little early by the fifth wise men but he just sorta crumbled into dust after saying that? Go figure.
A quarter ounce of blow and four of the dirtiest Roman hookers I could find.
I was not only given a vision of where Jesus was born, but the extensive navigational and shipbuilding experience necessary to travel to South America to obtain coca 1000 years before the Vikings did. I was also granted a vision by god of the horticultural knowledge necessary to grow coca somewhere Jesus adjacent, and the advanced knowledge of chemistry necessary to extract it in its pure form.
I show up and basically stay up for three days talking about bread and drinking wine, occasionally excusing myself to bang my hookers, drunk off my ass in wine the entire time.
I’m eventually ejected from the manger, which really pisses me off. I hold a grudge.
The energy I have been given by excessive cocaine use allows me to rise through the ranks of Roman society, all the while holding a deep grudge, as the other wise men get all the credit for bringing their shitty gifts. One by one I start eliminating the people that were at the manger, any oversized cocaine-enhanced ego can’t take the slight. U til one day I hear about some jerkoff running around calling himself king of the Jews, and my final revenge arrives at last.
My name? Pontuis Pilate.
I bring him a claw bar (a train railroad spike remover).
Labuubuu. What the crap is a baby gonna do with some frankincense anyway?
Jacks, and a Lite Brite.
Hey, let’s keep it baby-appropriate. I’d bring him the entire DVD box set collection of Baby Einstein videos but they’d reject my offering because DVD players & electricity didn’t exist back then, and they wouldn’t understand the concept of vegetating while staring at a flat surface on the wall for hours ignoring all your bodily needs & ignoring all your chores & obligations & family & all human interaction.
Uranium-235.
The complete Sex in the City DVD collection.
Guikt for the eventual damage done in his name.
Weed, maybe a kalashnikov
It’s actually my headcannon that the 3 wise men were 3 teenagers who accidentally time traveled. They blundered into the scene and felt bad and handed over 2 different scents of axe body spray and a handful of chuck E cheese tokens.
Given thier odd dress and incomprehensible language, they were assumed to be foreign and extremely wealthy. Not having any comprehension of the gifts they concluded they must be gold and exotic perfumes.
That could have been right out of a Bill and Ted movie.
Party on, dudes! And be excellent to each other.
That is a beautiful thought.
Health insurance
A fake 10 Denari coin with an invitation to a prayer group on the back
A DNA/patternity test…
There’s no reason that the Holy Spirit wouldn’t borrow DNA from a suitable male human. The “special” stuff is magical, spiritual or whatever you might call it, and that doesn’t have to be in the genetic code.
So basically, there’s a good chance that the test would come back as Joseph being the bio-dad, whether he laid with Mary or not.
I’d say the odds would be that the father is not Joseph…
As Christopher Hitchens once said: “Which is more likely — that the whole natural order is to be suspended, or that a jewish minx should tell a lie?"
Vaccines.
Come on people, do you want the son of God to get whooping cough?!
(For the record, I’m in favour of science-based medical care, including vaccines. I shouldn’t have to say that. What’s the world coming to?)
